jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

One day, the Kings decided they’d seen enough of war over the island and called a meeting to decide on a peaceful solution. After much arguing, they concluded that a friendly fight should be held with the winner taking the island. At first the Kings wanted to send their best knights in, however as it happened all 3 were injured from previous battles and couldn’t fight. In their place, it was decided that the squire of each knight would fight on their behalf.

The day before the fight, each squire was preparing for it by training. The first squire drilled his swordplay over and over until he could take 3 men at once. The second squire focused on improving his strength and speed, believing that he could outmatch anyone if he became strong enough. The third squire took a rope, tied it in a noose and tightened it around small cooking pot. He then hung it from the highest tower in the city before going off to feast and relax for the day.

When the day of the fight arrived, the three squires each squared up in the ring. It was to be a free for all, last man standing wins. Each had a wooden sword and a shield, as they didn’t want to kill each other in this friendly match. The crowd looked on, tense and ready for the action.

The announcer raised his hand for quiet.

“Gentlemen, are you ready?” He asked.

Each squire signalled they were ready.

“Then begin!” He shouted.

It was over almost too fast, the squire from the third kingdom moving at inhuman speed and crushing both of his opponents. Nobody could believe what they’d seen.

“How on earth did you do that?” One of the Kings asked, unable to believe what he’d seen.

“It’s simple.” Replied the squire, “The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the squires of the other two sides.”
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A clown bets an old man £100 he can make him laugh. The old man says " No chance, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"

Nothing

Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"

Doesn't crack a smile

Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"

Clown starts to get nervous

Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"

Blank look

Clown asks: "What is a nun's favourite card game? Old Maid"

Yawn

Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"

Annoyed

Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"

grasping at straws

Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"

He never laughs. The Clown gives him his £100 and asks "Did any of my jokes make you laugh?"

Man says "No pun-in-ten-did" :fp::tw:
 

Thomas95

Well-Known Member
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A young girl was very excited to be going on her first date with a boy she had sought after for many months. She was so excited that she, unfortunately, became quite gassy. When the boy arrived, she was extremely nervous to be riding on the horse and buggy, which would shake and bump from the ride.

Luckily enough for her, she saw a thunderstorm approaching, but far enough to where they would be safe for the ride. She timed each release of gas to coincide with each clap of thunder. After a few minutes of travelling along the road the girl spoke up "Boy, that storm sure is getting close, ain't it?" The young man then replied, "Yeah it is and it must be hitting the cow field, because it smells like s@£t."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to be an Arab market in the distance, and they make for it with the last of their strength. On arriving, they go to the first stall, and they say to the stallholder "Good day to you, and have you any water for sale?"

"No," says the stallholder, "but what I do have is these delicious desserts. Consider this glorious bottom layer composed of fruits and sponge cake, the middle layer of exquisite custard, and the topping of whipped cream and multi-coloured sugar strands - is it not a sight to gladden the eye?"

And the travellers agree but regretfully concede that it would only make them all the thirstier, so they go on to the next stall. As before they ask for water, but all the stallholder has for sale is another such dessert as the first vendor was selling - a confection of sponge cake and fruit and sugar and custard and cream which, regretfully, does not answer their need for drinking water at all.

And it's the same story at every other stall in the market: a score of different variations on the same dessert theme, and not a drop of water to be had.

Eventually the two Englishmen are forced to concede that there is probably no hope for them here and they set off into the desert once more, and Carruthers says, "Well, it looks like we are done for indeed, but I have to say, Blenkinsop, that was most strange, wouldn't you say?"

And Blenkinsop says "Indeed - it was a trifle bazaar."
 

Thomas95

Well-Known Member
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.” :30:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
The bus to work is packed to the rafters and a man and woman are standing really really close to each other . The woman tells the man " I's sorry but you keep poking me in the back and its annoying." The man apologises but states " I'm sorry but that's all the money from my salary I have just drawn out of the bank and put in my trouser pocket." The lady replying says " Well since we have been on here you must have had a few pay increases!" :30::08:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After eating them for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked, and require absolutely no lipstick

Secondly she has really awful bad breath and even her cat won't come near her.

Pleased with her lips, however, and spotting a money-making idea, she contacts a big cosmetics company and explains about the lip-enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop.

After a month of testing the company buys the entire crop of cauliflowers for a phenomenal amount and requests that Mary grow some more as soon as possible.

The company proceeds to make lipstick out of them but experiences problems in the the final product manufacture. The lipstick does not gel correctly into a solid stick and ends up crumbling upon application. Quality controllers also find that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remains and have to put it down as an unfortunate side effect.

As they are nearing their production deadline and adverts for this new wonder lip enhancer have hit the streets, the cosmetics company has no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution.

Poppins' Pop-up Lip Enhancer:

SUPER CAULI, FRAGILE LIPSTICK - EXPECT-HALITOSIS

:fp::tw:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her Doberman dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look.


"That sure is a nice fire engine " the fireman said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her cat's collar and to the dog's privates. "Little partner," the fireman said, " I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!!."
 
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