jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A street magician stops a woman on the main street in the City Centre

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorise that card. Don’t show me.”

She turns away, memorises it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
Although puzzled she just carried on with her shopping . Well time moved on she got a new job, met and fell in love with a guy at the Office, got married, and eventually she fell pregnant with her first child.

Nine months later and she is is the delivery suite of her local Maternity Hospital .

“Push, PUSH” the Midwife, Husband and Doctor urged. “You’re almost there!”
“Ah the Baby! She’s beautiful !”
“But wait ... what’s that in her HAND???” they all ask
“It... it looks like...”

From the back of the room a man dressed in a mask and Hospital gown utters in a familiar voice “The Jack of Hearts , is THIS your card?”. :08:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make love to her."

Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends.

Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "OK bartender! Let's do this test!" The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter.

Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "OK bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond.

As he got closer, he realised they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away".

The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the alligators anyway"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Paddy walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "That's terrible" he says. "So bitter".
Paddy replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a water sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".
 

dick

Well-Known Member
Seen on the letters page of the paper...…...…………..
Little girl ,keen to show off her French. At lunch she wished her parents "Born up a tree !"...…………...…...…….....(Bon Appetit ):fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A man is at his Hairdresser’s, and he tell's the Barber, “I’m going to Rome on holiday.”The Barber replies, “Oh really terrible place to visit, what airline are you taking?” The man says, “Alitalia.” The Barber replies, “Alitalia, are you crazy? That’s terrible, don’t take that.”
The Barber asks , “Where are you gonna stay?” The Man replies, “I’m gonna stay at The Hilton.” “The Hilton! You're kidding? They’re renovating the Hilton. You’ll hear hammering all night long. You won’t sleep. What are you gonna see?” the Man replies, “I think I’m going to try to go to the Vatican and see the Pope.” “The Vatican? You’ll be standing in line all day long, no chance”

The Man goes to Rome, when he comes back, he goes to the Hairdresser and the Barber says, “How was it?” He says “It was a great trip we got upgraded to first class on the plane , Champagne all the way , we got a suite in the Hilton with first Class service, it was wonderful.” “How was the Vatican?” “Wonderful, we met the Pope.” “You met the Pope?” “We did and he spoke to me.” “What did he say to you?” “He said, ‘Who cut your £$%^& Hair!!"
:08:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A guy walks into a pub in his pyjamas holding a drip on a metal stand clearly come from a local hospital

He says to the Barman

"I'll have 4 pints of Guinness, 4 pints of lager, 2 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, 5 shots of Sambuca, and a Jaegerbomb"

As the barman starts pouring the drinks and lining them up and the bar the guy starts picking them up and downing them in one. Drinking them as quickly as they are being poured.

The barman gets to the final drink of Jaegerbomb and the guy picks it up slams it down in one and he says to the Barman...

"I shouldn't be drinking these with what I've got !"

"Why?" Asked the barman "what have you got?"

"About £3.50"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A millionaire wanted to eat something exotic

He remembered assorted fried bugs being served at the last party he was on. He had taken a liking in them so he ordered his cook to prepare some worms for dinner.

That evening the millionaire was getting ready for his meal. His cook brought him a plate full of worms, although something didn't seem right to him. He poked one worm with his finger and they were not hot like he ordered.

Just before making a scene the worm he touched moved and to disbelief of the millionaire the creature spoke to him.

-Please don't eat me, I have kids!

-I won't eat you if you give me a good reason not to.

-Your cook had prepared us just before you arrived. He hadn't fried us long enough and you wanted to eat a hot meal, right?

-That's correct.

-Hello ,my name Luke ............................Luke Worm. Nice to meet you !:08::fp:
 
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