jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A travelling Salesman calls home.

His eldest son answers the phone. He asks his son how everyone is doing, son tells him everyone is fine, but the cat died.

The salesman is heartbroken. He tells his son that he needs to break things like this more delicately. The son asks how.

The salesman tells him to be more delicate. First you tell me the cats stuck on the roof, the next phone call maybe say the cat fell off the roof but you think he’ll be fine. The next call say we took the cat to the vet and he has some internal injuries but we’re hoping for the best, then finally you say the injuries were too much and he passed away.

The son apologises and says he will be more mindful in the future.

A week later the salesman calls the house and his son answers. He asks how’s everyone doing.
“Fine”, says the son, “but Grandma's on the porch climbing up to the roof’.
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking trading copyright laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs. :oops::fp::tw:
 

dick

Well-Known Member
On a visit round a police station the sergeant was advising the children how to stay out of trouble. Spotting wanted posters on the wall, little Johnny asked if they wanted to arrest all the men in the posters. He said to the sergeant "Why didn't you lock them up when you took their pictures??":08::fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store.

“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she says.

“Whatever works!” Says the man, “let me check our inventory... Does it need to be pasteurised?”.

“Oh no silly, that’s fine. Only up to my chest, I can splash it on my face”:fp:
 

Cloggy

Well-Known Member
What do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat?
An extra-cholesterol.

I accidently rubbed herbs in my eyes earlier,
Now I'm parsley sighted.

To whoever stole my glasses, I WILL find you,
I have contacts.

Argentina is surprisingly cold,
In fact, it's bordering on Chile.

Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition,
They have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.

How does a vegan begin grace....?
Lettuce pray!

Sent my hearing aid away 3 months ago for repair,
heard nothing since .
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are all prison inmates but have hatched an escape plan. The escape plan goes well and the three of them are outside the prison walls and running away to freedom.

About 15 minutes after their escape they realise that the prison guards are catching up to them and they have to hide.

The Englishman spots 3 empty sacks lying at the side of the road and shouts "Hide in these sacks fellas, we'll never outrun them" so all 3 men climb into the sacks and wait for the prison guards to go past.

The prison guards eventually catch up and sure enough, are immediately suspicious of the 3 seemingly full sacks lying at the side of the road.

One of the prison guards says to his friend "Those sacks look a bit suspicious, give them a good kick Dave and see what's in them".

Now the Englishman has heard all of this and immediately devises a plan. The prison guard gives the first sack a kick and the Englishman shouts "woof, woof". The prison guard turns to his co-workers and says "this is just a sack of puppies, nothing to see here".

The Scotsman has twigged as to what the Englishman has done so when the prison guard kicks his sack he shouts "meow, meow". Again, the prison guard shouts "this is just a sack of kittens, nothing to see here".

Now the Irishman has heard all of this going on and he know exactly what he has to do. The prison guard kicks the 3rd and final sack and the Irishman shouts...

"POTATOES!"
 

dick

Well-Known Member
My grandad died because his hospital report said he had Type -A-blood !
Unfortunately it was a type-o :fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
In Ancient Mexico , the Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to leave she comes up to me and asks for my number. I looked at the chair behind me... Surely she must’ve been mistaken.

I said, “Who me?”

She said “Yes, of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but, you just sort of caught my eye.”:fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
 

Peripheral

Well-Known Member
A Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store.

“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she says.

“Whatever works!” Says the man, “let me check our inventory... Does it need to be pasteurised?”.

“Oh no silly, that’s fine. Only up to my chest, I can splash it on my face”:fp:
Or alternatively she said, "No, just up to my knockers, I don't want to drown myself".
 
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