jokes bad or otherwise.

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be £10 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a shot of Tequila,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be £15.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

Awesome says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.” :fp:
 
Jock was a painter and decorator well known to people in the community but he had a bit of a reputation for skimping on materials.

So when the Church decided to do some maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from God, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!” :08:
 
There is nothing to be said in favour of growing old ! In fact there should be laws against it ! :mad: :mad::08:
 
three men die and go to heaven and there are ducks everywhere.

Saint Peter's there and tells them "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Peter's also brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will also be chained with an ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The third man has seen enough and months he tries his best not to step on a duck and tries to be as cautious as possible. After a year in Heaven Saint Peter's brings a pretty girl and he is chained with her for eternity.

Third man: How did I ever get chained with a pretty girl like you for eternity?
Pretty girl: I don't know but I stepped on a duck...
 
A man is walking down a beach when he spots a bottle with a cork in it.

He opens the bottle and out comes a genie. The genie is grateful to be out of the bottle and offers the man three wishes to be granted.

The man first wishes for a billion pounds in an offshore Swiss bank account. There's a flash of light and in his hand is a receipt for a billion pounds in a Swiss account.

Next he wishes for a brand new red Ferrari. Another flash of light and right next to him is a brand new Ferrari with the keys in the ignition.

For his third wish he tells the genie he wants to become irresistible to women. A huge flash of light and he instantly becomes a box of Milk Tray chocolates.:fp:
 
A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to know one another's theology across sectarian boundaries like this. But I think it would be even better if we shared some of our human side. Don't any of you have any bad habits? You know, confession is good for the soul, and we'd surely build mutual tolerance, knowing what faults we all share. How about it?"

The Baptist minister said, "I'd have to say that that's a fine idea. I've been carrying a burden for a long time, and I'd be glad to finally get it off my heart. You see, friends, I'm a terrible, terrible drunkard. I've got a flask in every jacket and gown I have. Half the time when the secretary tells callers that I'm out tending to my congregation, I'm really face down on my desk in my office, out cold. I can't tell you the number of baptisms, weddings, funerals, counselling sessions that I've skipped because I was absolutely plastered!"

The Episcopalian rector nodded gravely and said. "Well, that can't be worse than me. I'm a terrible, terrible adulterer. I'm completely out of control! , I'll come on to all sorts of ladies. I've got the back door keys to half the homes in my congregation, and my office couch folds out into a bed."

The Methodist minister heaved a sigh, and said, "I'm afraid I'm a terrible, terrible embezzler. I'm no good with money; and I've got a taste for high living that my salary can't satisfy. Each church I've served at could have paid down their mortgage like you wouldn't believe if not for me and my spendthrift ways. What a hypocrite I've been, brow-beating my hard-working parishioners to pledge more each year, while I spent their gifts hand over fist!"

The Catholic priest twiddled his fingers and bowed his head. He said nothing. Presently one of the others said, "Well? Don't you have any skeletons to share?"

The priest shrugged and looked up. "Well, my one fault is I'm a terrible, terrible gossip." :eek:
 
Two packets of crisps were strolling down the street when a good mate of theirs turns up in his car. "Do you want a lift?" he asks. "No thanks", said the crisps, "We're Walkers!"
 
Aman and his wife are in bed together...…...………. He says I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world !...……………...She said , I'll miss you ! :08:
 
Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realised, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumoured Magical Notes that musicians had theorised must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.

And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...

And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realised there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.

And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.

Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously burst into flames ! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.

The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.

The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.

The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7." :fp::tw:
 
A Les Dawson-esque joke.

Its nearly 5 years since my mother in law sadly passed away and there is never a day goes by when I don't remember her sincere and meaningful last words to me . I can clearly picture that day in the garden of her house where the serenity was shattered by those immortal words just before she so sadly passed away.

" Hey stop shaking the "££$%^ ladder you little ££$$%^ !"
 
Two brothers were in the garden having a peeing contest to see who could get highest up the house wall. Their mother appeared and gave them a roasting .Their father came back and asked why they were upset. They told him about their contest. .................................….What did your mother do when she found you?? One boy said...……….She hit the roof! Dad said.....Did she win then ? :08: ;)
 
Silly joke for my birthday......……...….
Just been on the Diabetes Awareness site
It asked me if I accept cookies?
Was that a trick question !?? :08:
 
Peter, a top businessman, hires a new Secretary after their first day he goes home .
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.

Denise: “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Peter: “Didn’t quite notice."

Denise : "What colour are her eyes?"

Peter: “Haven’t had the time to check."

Denise: "What are the nail polish colours she uses, metallic, gel or neon ?"

Peter: “Not a clue in the world."

Denise: "Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?”

Peter: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”

Denise: "How does she dress?"

Peter: "Very quickly!!”
 
I've just been struck by a bottle of Omega-3 capsules.
Luckily my injuries are only super fish oil ! :fp:
 
A man was crushed by a huge crate of chocolate bars. He tried to attract attention to his plight but when he shouted "The milky bars are on me ,everybody cheered!":eyesroll:
 
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