jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
And old man and a young guy work together in an office.

The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and woofs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum the chocolate off the M&M's." :eek:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.


Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.


Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal. :tw::fp:
 

dick

Well-Known Member
My mate said to his wife as he pinned a map on the wall,"You can throw a dart at the map and we'll visit wherever it lands. "........................….This summer they are holidaying near the skirting board ! :eyesroll:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A truck driver lost control of his lorry and ploughed into a thankfully empty booth at the entrance to a pay to go through tunnel , smashing it to pieces.

Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair van pulled up and a gang of workers got out . They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together very much like jigsaw puzzle . In less than a half hour, they had the entire booth reconstructed and looking good as new.

Astonishing! said the lorry driver to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?”

Oh, well that was toll gate booth paste.:fp::tw:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
At Dakota university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. “Elation,” she said.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “what about the opposite of woe?” The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be ‘giddy up’ .”
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street just as Watson is leaving.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smoking his pipe. As Watson enters, Sherlock says, "I expected you back 10 minutes ago, but close enough. I've left some dinner on the table for you, it should still be warm".

"But... but... how did you know I'd be back so soon?" replies Watson.

"When you left, I pondered for a moment at why Ella, someone so youthful and attractive, would want to date an older man of your prestige", explains Sherlock, "I assessed the note that Ella posted earlier this evening. It was in fact addressed to 212b, not 221b Baker Street".

"That's Tererence Purnell's address." states Watson.

"I'm afraid so", replies Sherlock, "Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson".
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
The God of Thunder is astride his mighty horse comes storming from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He holds his mighty hammer aloft , lightning flashed and thunder boomed!

"I AM THOR!" he cried.

His horse replied, "No wonder, you forgot your thaddle, thilly."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Lemon,Pea and Potato all had a tough week at the Supermarket no one was buying.

They decided to let off some steam with a pub crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and sickly ; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.

At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.

The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.

By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".

The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".

The potato turned to him and said "Easy Peasy ! Lemon's queasy! " :tw: :08: :fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't have one eye!"

He goes to Don next, and does his usual thing.

Don replies, "That's a piece of cake! He only has one ear!"

To which the policeman says, "Well, that's because the photo I showed you IS HIS PROFILE!"

Hacked off at this point, he goes to Rod and asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you find him?"

Rod looks at the picture intently, and the says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is confused, and decides to check. Moments later, he emerges with a big smile on . his face and says, "Wow! He really does wear contact lenses! How did you make such an astute observation?"

"Easy. He can't wear regular glasses because he has only one eye and one ear."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Two guys are bungee-jumping in Texas . The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. It's cheap to set up and cheap to live there"

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square in Tijuana . As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a Pinata? "
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Three men pass away and go to Heaven.

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "This represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls out his keys and rattles them "These represent bells"

He is allowed into heaven

The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear

Saint Peter "Good Lord what do those represent?! "

The third man says "Oh well these ........................................................... these are Carols !" :08:
 
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