jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
A dog and a rabbit are in a bar having a few drinks when a drunk decides that he doesn't like their kind patronising his establishment.
He goes over and voices his displeasure with them being in HIS bar.

"Now now take it easy slim," says the rabbit , "If you can solve this riddle we will buy you all the drinks you can have for the night."

Well he thinks about it for a minute and thinks, why not. " OK then but if you get it wrong my dog will bite you in the ass, agreed?"

The drunk wanting free drinks agrees to the terms. here is the riddle... "What do you have again the day after you have it to make you feel better for having it?"
" Well stuff my boots I have no idea." say's the drunk and promptly gets bit on the ass by the dog.

Next day the drunk is back in the bar and mad as hell.

He yells at the bartender...Where the hell is that hare of the dog that bit me?

A voice from the back of the bar that uncannily sounds like the rabbit says.. "Buy that man a drink!! "

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into the bar and the Scotsman pronounces " All the drinks are on me for the whole day" The following day the local paper ran the headline " Local murder , Irish ventriloquist killed in the Kings Arms"

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Well its a fine thing when you have to explain a joke but here goes allegedly the phrase Canny Scot is well known as is their reputation of being tight with money so it would be abhorrent and unlikely for a Scotsman to walk into a bar and buy everyone a drink for the whole day but if the Irish Guy were to be Ventriloquist and threw his voice pretending to be the Scotsman and offering to buy the drinks then the Scotsman would be horrified at the cost and murdered the Irishman .

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
A news station is interviewing an 80 year old woman who has just got married for the fourth time.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions that her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.

She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.

The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20's. In her 40's, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60's, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80's, she's marrying a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.

She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go,go,go!"

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Sea birds would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned. :fp::fp:

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
A woman walks into a room and flips the switch only to find that the light bulb is out. She goes to her husband and says "Hun, the light bulb is out. Can you fix it?" The husband responds with "Humph, I'm not an electrician!"

Later the wife goes to the store and her car tyre gets a puncture. She then calls her husband and says "Hun, my car has a puncture and I need the tyre changing . Can you help me?" The Husband then says "Humph, I'm not a mechanic!"

The next day the husband goes to work and comes back to his wife. He notices that her tyre has been replaced and the bulb was fixed.

He then goes to his wife and says "Hey, nice to see you fixed the light and the tyre."

The wife says "No, I asked our neighbour and he fixed them for me, and all I had to do was either bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

The husband arrogantly says "I see. did he enjoy the Victoria Sponge?"

The wife replies whilst grinning "Hun, I'm not a pastry chef!"