jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Captain was retiring after 40 Years at sea.

He had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time. Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the passage was that he read.

The captain had already boarded the ship after reading the book. Taking note where the captain stored it, the first mate told another crewman "We really need to find out what that book says. Tonight, you will distract him, I'll grab the book, and we'll find out what the captain reads before each trip." The crewman agreed, and both waited for nightfall.

At last, the time had come to steal the leather book. Everything went according to plan, and both the first mate and the crewman were hidden in a remote part of the ship, ready to read the words of wisdom the elderly captain examined before each trip. They opened the book. It was empty, except for one page, which read:

"Remember, starboard is right, and port is left."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Man and Woman are dining out in a very upmarket Restaurant.

Right around when the appetisers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head Waiter yells "The Honorable Mr. Angus T. Worthington has arrived."

The half horse half man walks to the bar. It orders a triple Bourbon and drinks it in one shot.

While the man and woman are flabbergasted; it grabs a guitar and begins to play an acoustic version of Meatloaf's Anything for love while making aggressive eye contact with the Woman.

The man asks his wife: Who on Earth is that?

His wife shakes her head and says: "Just the Centaur of Attention"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Policeman stops an elderly man driving a flatbed pickup truck because the bed of his truck is full of ducks.

The officer says, “Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks in the City Centre , take them to the Zoo this instant!”

The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks. Only this time all the ducks are wearing tiny sunglasses. The officer pulls him over again and yells, “I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!”

The old man replies, “I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”:cool:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A loaded cheese Pizza is waiting in the stomach to be digested when a Whisky comes along. The Pizza says " I'll let him pass I'm in no hurry"
Two minutes later another Whisky comes along and the Pizza lets him passed then two minutes later another Whisky comes along, the Pizza stops him
and asks "What's going on out there?"

" Why there's a party going on out there and they are all having a great time " the Whisky replies.

Th Pizza says " Great I'll go and check it out "

and that , Ladies and Gentlemen , is why people throw up at parties! :18:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep.

He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed. "Frankie, my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the people first.' Once again Trump doesn't like this answer, yells for security, and FDR disappears.

Trump is once again awakened by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln at the foot of his bed. "Abe, my boy, how can I be a better president?' Abe thinks for a moment and responds, 'Go to the Theatre more.'
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Identical twins are put up for adoption at birth and are sadly split up with one each going to different families in different countries.

One family takes one of the twins back to their home in Mexico and the other boy is sent to live with a family in Egypt.

Years later the birth parents receive a letter from their son in Mexico and inside the letter is a picture of him.

Ecstatic, the husband runs to his wife to show her the letter and picture.

"Don't you wonder what happened to our other child who went to Egypt?" the husband asks. "Wouldn't you love to see him as well?"

The wife thinks for a moment and replies "Nah. If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal." :fp::tw:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the stomach.

He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith attended from the UK representing the Queen - Mary Berry.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John and Jane Dough.

He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.:fp:
 

Peripheral

Well-Known Member
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the stomach.

He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith attended from the UK representing the Queen - Mary Berry.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John and Jane Dough.

He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.:fp:
CRUMBS
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Three Swordsmen walk into a bar.

Looking around, they see the bartender telling a drunk customer to get out, that he's had too many. The customer goes to punch the bartender, but before he can land the hit the bartender grabs his head and smashes it into the granite counter, breaking the drunkard's nose.

The police show up, and learning they were witnesses ask the Fencers , an exponent of the Epee, and exponent of the Foil, and and exponent of the Sabre whether they thought the bartender was acting in Self Defence. The foil exponent, twirling his moustache dramatically, quips "The whole affair was so boring that neither could have possibly attacked, arrest neither one of them."

The Epee exponent , patiently waiting through the foil exponent's monologue, blurts out "Both hits were within 10.95 milliseconds of each other, so both attacked: arrest both of them!"

The Sabre exponent, smiling the whole time, passes the police a note. It reads, "Arrest the granite". When the police look at him quizzically, he says "What? It was obviously a counter attack!" :fp: :tw:
 
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