jokes bad or otherwise.

maltrab

Administrator
Staff member
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate.
After waiting about an hour, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened. "

The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," said the attendant.
"It took us an hour to find another pilot!"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Woman is out playing golf , hits her ball into the trees , goes to retrieve it when she discovers a frog who is trapped by a fallen tree.

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barely enough for the frog to free himself.

He dusts himself off. "Thanks, lady! I really appreciate it!" and he begins to hop away.

"Wait a minute!" she shouts, "What about my three wishes?"

"Ah, yes... well... you see..." the frog hesitates, "There's a small catch. You probably won't be interested anymore."

"What is it?"

"Anything you wish for, your husband shall receive 10 times or better. Sorry. I don't make the rules."

The woman considers this, and then decides that this is acceptable.

"For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world!"

The frog looks at her. "Listen," he says, "I can make it happen, but your husband is going to be about ten times as handsome as you are beautiful. All of the women will swoon after him. He'll be bombarded with attention for the rest of his life, and that can lead to problems in your marriage."

"It's fine," the woman says confidently, "Because if I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, he will only have eyes for me."

"Well... alright..." and the frog snaps its little Webby fingers and POOF! The woman runs to a nearby stream and looks at her reflection. She is a walking Aphrodite, absolutely gorgeous.

She turns back to the frog.

"For my second wish, I would like to be the richest woman in the world."

The frog hesitates. "Explain this one to me." he says. "Your husband will be ten times as rich as you are."

"We are a team. A couple. What's mine is his and what's his is mine."

The frog snaps his little Froggy fingers and POOF. She pulls out her phone, opens her banking account, and watches as the money pours in.

"I'm curious," the frog says, "What is your third wish going to be?"

The woman looks up from her phone and says, "I would like a mild heart attack, please."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A man plants 49 trees in his garden.

He tends to them every day and always takes the best care of them. They are his pride and joy! They all grow up pretty fast and very healthy as a result of this.

One day he wakes up and looks out his big window, as he does every morning, and notices that something is wrong. He hurries outside and finds that out of all his 49 beautiful trees, only 7 remain. Puzzled at this strange phenomenon, he examines the remaining trees to see if he can figure out what happened.

After hours of tireless examination of the bark and leaves of all the trees, he decides to see if the the problem might lie underground. He goes to his gardening shed for a trowel and starts digging at the base of a tree. Finally he finds the source of his problem.

And wouldn't you know it..........................................Square Roots. :08::fp::tw:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A guy walks into a bar with his pet Octopus under his arm.

Bartender says "What's up with the Octopus?" The guy says "This Octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him."

There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life.

The Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master.

At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays his Bagpipes in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "Come on Octopus, what's going on?"

Octopus goes "Do you mind! We're getting on famously and things are moving to the next stage. A little bit of privacy wouldn't go amiss can't you see I'm trying to get her Coat off"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Boris and Jeremy Corbyn walk into a Bakers shop together on the campaign trail.

Corbyn whispers to Boris "Look look.." Grabs 3 cupcakes and sticks them in his pocket

Boris is shocked "What are you doing ? that's theft ! Watch me and learn how you should act on the Campaign trail"

Boris calls the shop assistant over "Listen, if you give me a cupcake, ill show you an amazing magic trick"

Intrigued, the assistant hands Boris a cupcake

Boris immediately eats it

"Now give me another" and gobbles it down

"Another!" and he scoffs that one as well

The assistant, angered, asks "So what's the magic trick !?"

Boris replies: "Check Corbyn's pocket"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (Turn from your sin).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A little boy wants a new bike for Christmas.

His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if her wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.

So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year...’ He then crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one month.’ Still he wasn’t happy, so he crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one week.’ His head in a spin, he tore up the paper and went out for a walk.

As he passed the local church, he noticed a nativity scene. When nobody was looking, he grabbed the figure of Mary ,hid it under his coat and ran home.

There he composed a new letter. ‘Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again...’
 

imitation700mb

Well-Known Member
On entering the pearly gates in heaven, you are confronted by two queues. One is for husbands with domineering wives and the other is for husbands who are not so unlucky. The line for men with domineering wives stretches for miles and all the great people of history are there: Adam (and Eve), Julius Cesear, Samson (and Delilah) Einstien, the lot. But there is just one lone man in the line for husbands who are not so unlucky. St Peter turns to this man and congratulates him on what must have been a marriage made of bliss. "It was just as bad as all the others", the man said, "only my wife told me to stand here".
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a Teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a Teepee made of antelope hide.


The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story Teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The young warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”
 
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