A priest has been summoned to the Vatican and requires a substitute whilst he's away . It is a small Parish and there is no other Catholic Priest available so he asks his good friend, the local Rabbi , if he could help out to which the Rabbi agrees . The Priest suggests he come to Church to here how Confession is carried out . So with the Rabbi behind the Confessional the Priest summons the first man waiting inside. " Father I have sinned , I have committed Adultery " the man volunteers. "How many times ?" the Priest asks . " Three Times Father " the man replies. " Say two Hail Mary's and put £5 in the box ." The man does as he is told and goes off.
The next person , a Lady , enters the confessional " Father I have sinned , I have committed Adultery " the woman volunteers. "How many times ?" the Priest asks . " Three Times Father " the woman replies. " Say two Hail Mary's and put £5 in the box ." The man does as he is told and goes off.
So it goes on and eventually the Priest hands the reigns over to the Rabbi. Taking his first confessional the first person , a Lady , enters the confessional " Father I have sinned , I have committed Adultery " the woman volunteers. "How many times ?" the Rabbi asks . " Once Father " the woman replies. " Put £5 in the box and go off and commit Adultery twice more we have a special offer on 3 for £5"
The Police receive a call from a man who is a bit intoxicated. "Excuse me sofficer but I want to report that my car has been broken into and vanda vanda davanda .... damaged . They've taken the dashboard , the steering wheel , the handbrake and the pedals." " Well sir" the Policeman replies " you are too drunk to drive but we'll send someone around to check it out "
Two minutes later the phone rings again and its the drunk " Soccifer , cancel that call I got into the back seat of the car by mistake!"
Two ladies have been drinking and are staggering home when they need the toilet so they decided to nip into the Graveyard as there are no toilets nearby . The first one goes but has nothing to wipe herself with but decides to use her underwear which she duly discards . The second goes but wont use her expensive underwear and eventually manages to grab a wreath of soft flowers and uses that. The two ladies then stagger home.
Next day the husband of one of the ladies phones the other " We have got to put a stop to this what a state Cheryl was in last night came back sozzled with no underwear on." " That's nothing " his friend replies " Dawn came back with a card sticking out of her bottom with 'From all of us in the Fire Brigade we'll never forget you !' "
Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
1) Everyone who does the dirty on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of do do , keep your mouth shut as you never know who's listening and it doesn't taste great.
A Man is out for a drive when he pulls over in the countryside for a break. As he is walking through the fields he spots what seems to be a deep hole. Wondering how deep it is he throws in a pebble and times it when it hits the bottom but there is no sound. He decides to try again but with medium sized stone again there is no sound. He then spots a boulder which he manages to roll and push over the edge but sadly again no sound.
Getting frustrated he spots a railway sleeper and with a great effort manages to tip over the edge but again no sound. Exhausted he sits down , after a couple of minutes he spots a huge Billy Goat charging towards him , panicking as it gets closer he manages to roll out of the way and the Goat falls helplessly into the Hole .
After a few minutes a red faced sweating Farmer turns up " You haven't seen my prize winning goat have you he has managed to bolt way." Not wishing to upset the farmer he says "No sorry not seen it . " " Well never mind I guess it will show up soon it can't be far it was chained to railway sleeper"
A Woman goes to the local Pet shop looking for a special pet. The owner disappears into the back and appears with a cute puppy a few minutes later. " I know its a puppy but it is a bit special he can fly ." Disbelieving the owner the lady asks him to show her at which point he throws the puppy in the air and shouts "Fly" and sure enough the puppy gently floats down to the shop floor.
The Shop owner then says " As well as that the puppy will eat whatever you tell it at which point he shouts my Apple" The puppy duly bounds over to the Shop owner , takes the apple from his pocket and scoffs it at record speed. " I'll take him" the lady says , pays the man and returns home where her husband is waiting.
" Hello Darling I've just bought the most amazing puppy he can fly !" " Fly!!! " the husband responds " My Ass"