jokes bad or otherwise.

A tax inspector is visiting a local Synagogue to go through the Accounts . As he examines them he asks the Rabbi " I see you buy a lot of candles and claim tax back on the full value but what about the wax dripping that fall when the candle burns? " " We save them up and send them back to the Candle manufacturer and he casts new candles from them which he sends us for free. " "Oh" the auditor says annoyed that the Rabbi had an answer.

After ten minutes he comes back again " I see you buy a lot of biscuits for the brethren but when they eat them they must drop crumbs on the plate , what happens to them ? " " Well we save them all up send them back to the Bakery and they reuse them to make cheesecakes which they give us for free." The Auditor is a gain annoyed but carries on.

After another fifteen minutes he comes back again " Rabbi I see you undertook a lot of circumcisions during the year what do you do with the remnants of that ceremony ? " " Well we save them up and send them to the Tax Office and then once a year they send us a complete Dick!"
 
A freedom fighter is fleeing the conflict across the Desert , desperate for water when he happens across a little old Jewish gentleman . " I need water do you have some to sell? " " I don't but I have a tie yours for $5 "

" You stupid infidel I should kill you why would I want a cheap tie when I need water !!" " Well Sir" the old man says " If you walk another mile over that Dune you will find a Restaurant and they have plenty of chilled water."

The soldier sets off but after two hours he's back " Here's $5 give me the tie your £$%^& Brother won't let me in without one!!"
 
An old miser who has no family or friends knows he is dying so he calls his Vicar,Doctor and Lawyer to his bedside. " I know they say you can't take your money with you but I think they are wrong so under my mattress there are three envelopes all with £30,000 in each . When they start to throw the soil into the grave I want you to throw the envelopes in and then I will have my money for the next life"

A couple of days after the funeral all three meet up . The Vicar speaks up " I have a confession we desperately needed £10,000 to fix the Church roof so I took it from the envelope and threw £20,000 into the grave. " The Doctor responds " Well I also have a confession we needed building work on the Surgery so I kept £20,000 and threw in £10,000."

The Lawyer then spoke out " I am sure my Barclays cheque for £30,000 will be accepted there are bound to be banks in the next life"
 
A man goes to visit his 85 year old grandfather in the Care Home he is staying at . He asks him how he is to which the Grandad replies " I'm doing fine , food is good , bed is comfortable and I get a good night's sleep because every night at 10 we get a mug of Cocoa and a Viagra tablet. "

The Grandson is puzzled and asks " Are you sure it's Viagra surely not ?? " but the Grandad assures him its true .

As he is unhappy at this he approaches the senior staff nurse and asks if they give the male residents Cocoa an a Viagra tablet at 10 pm every night. " That's true sir " the nurse replies " We find the Cocoa definitely helps them get a sound sleep and the Viagra helps to stop them rolling out of bed."
 
Three old gentlemen are discussing life in general. One , who is 60, says " The worst thing about being 60 is you feel you need a wee and you stand at the toilet and nothing happens"

Another who is 70 says " That's nothing the worst thing about being 70 is you take laxative daily , you go to the toilet and nothing happens , constipation is the vein of my life"

The last who is 80 says " You have it easy, being 80 is the worst age ever"

The 60 year old enquires " Why , can't you wee? " " No that's not a problem I wee like a Dray Horse at 6 am sharp every day " the 80 year old replies.

The 70 year old enquires " Are you constipated?" " No that's not the problem I don't need laxative and go to the toilet regularly at 6.30 sharp every day without fail"

The 60 and 70 year old ask " Well what's the big problem ??? " " I don't get up until 7 am! "
 
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