Little Stevie is talking to his best friend at Junior School about his parents . His best friend says if they are like my parents they will be hiding some secret from you and I found if I said to the " I know the whole truth" they got anxious and gave me money and presents. Little Stevie decides to try that when he gets home.
After school arriving at home he sees his Mam and says " I know the whole truth." His Mam goes red grabs her purse and gives him £10. Later his Dad arrives home from work and little Stevie again says " I know the whole truth." His Dad is flustered , reaches into his wallet and gives him £20. Little Stevie thinks this is great but wonders if it works with everyone . Anyway having left the house for school he sees the Postman as again says "I know the whole truth " at which the Postman drops his mailbag and shouts "Come here son give Daddy a hug"
An old couple in their 90's are struggling with their memory so they go to the Doctor who says they are physically healthy and its just their age that is causing their memory loss but suggests that they write things down to help. Sitting watching the TV one night the husband gets up to go to the kitchen for a drink and asks if his wife wants anything.
" I'd love a bowl of ice cream but you'd better write it down in case you forget. " " Don't worry dear I will remember. " " Oh and can I have some Strawberries on top look you'd better write it down. " " No No dear I remember ice cream and strawberries" " Oh and can you put whipped cream on top , please write it down as you will forget. "
" I don't need to ice cream, strawberries, whipped cream." Twenty five minutes later her returns with his drink and a plate of Bacon and Eggs. " I told you to write it down I knew you'd forget , for god's sake where's my Toast!"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her, so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, ''Well Sir, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goldcircle Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
Andy was interred in Prison . While their he managed to get on well with his inmates and warders . They learned that he was quite the carpenter and they put his skills to work in the Prison to refurbish the dining room and kitchens. Anyway ,as he was close to parole, they decided he could go out on licence for the weekend and help people in the community with their joinery work, which he duly did and was always back prompt on Sunday night to resume his time in prison.
The Governor's wife had recently purchased an old shop and needed it to be fitted out so the Governor went to Andy's cell and asked if he could help . To his disdain Andy refused and asked why he was so against helping out . " Well Sir" said Andy "I cannot help because it was counter fitting that landed me in jail in the first place"
A Doctor from an Asylum decides it would be good for some of the patients if he took them to an International Football Match at Wembley but so they don't look out of place he decides to teach them some simple commands that will help them fit in at key moments.
When the English National Anthem played he shouted "Up Nuts" and the patients stood up , when it finished he shouted "Down Nuts " and they all sat down . When England scored he shouted " Cheer Nuts" and the patients all cheered. When Harry Kane was through on goal and was fouled he shouted "Boo Nuts" and the patients all booed.
As it was going well he decided to go an get a beer and hot dog . On his return their is a huge fight going on with the Patients in the thick of it . He asks his assistant what the hell is happening . " Well it was going so well until one of the Stadium vendors went past and shouted Peanuts!"
A husband and wife are involved in a car crash , he managed to scramble out but his wife was burned on the face and head when the car burst into flames however, she did manage to scramble clear as well. In Hospital the Surgeon tells the couple she needs a skin graft to her face but as she is slight of build there is insufficient skin on any part of her body that could be used.
Her husband, who is rather large, makes an offer and the Surgeon agrees to use the skin from his bottom . Six months later the wife's face is almost normal and she is so so grateful to her Husband for what he did . " There's no need to thank me , anyone would do it in my position. It just gives me great pleasure to see you survive and make a recovery. You don't know how glad I feel when your Mother comes to see you and kisses you so passionately on both cheeks!"
A young Lady takes her Fiancee home to meet her parents . The Father takes the lad into the dining room for a chat. " Welcome to the family can I ask what plans you have?" " Well I'm an Oxford Scholar sir" "An Oxford Scholar excellent but how will you provide a home for my daughter?" " I plan to study hard finish my degree and God will provide for us"
" How will you buy her a beautiful Engagement ring ? " " I plan to study hard finish my degree and God will provide for us" " And Children how will you provide for them when you have them? " "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee. Every question asked results in the same answer.
After 30 minutes the young couple go off out and the mother asks how the chat went. " Well he has no job prospects or plans but the good news is he thinks I'm God"
A Lawyer is cross examining a Doctor regarding the suspicious death of a man . The Lawyer asks "Did you check the man's pulse before signing the Death certificate." " I did not" the Doctor replies. "Did you listen to see if his heart was beating before signing the Death Certificate? " the Lawyer continued. " I did not" the Doctor replies. " So in summary you signed the deceased's Death Certificate without doing basic checks"
" Well let me put it this way" the Doctor Replied " The Man's Brain was in a jar on my desk but for all I know he could have been out somewhere practising Law!"
A Panda walks into a Bar and orders lunch . After downing the food and about to leave he pulls out an AK47 and decimates the bar . The Bartender after cowering behind the Bar counter gets up and shouts to the Panda. " Hey you come in here I give you food and you repay me by shooting up the Bar why ?" As the Panda departs through the door he says "Man I'm a Panda look me up on Google if you really want to know"
Sure enough the Bartender opens a browser on his phone and types in Panda , the answer soon comes back "Black and White cuddly creature , Eats shoots and Leaves"
John and Kate sit next to each other in class . Kate is asleep when the teacher asks Kate a question "Kate who created Heaven and Earth?" John , seeing her asleep jabs her with a sharp pencil . " Jesus Christ " Kate shouts out . "Correct" the teacher replies.
Next day the same thing happens the Teacher asks " Kate who created Heaven and Earth? " John jabbed Kate with the sharp pencil again . "Jesus Christ Almighty" Kate shouts out . "Correct " the teacher replies.
On the following day yet again Kate is sleeping when the teacher asks " Kate , what did Eve say to Adam when she had her eighth child? " John again jabs her with a sharp pencil. " If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to snap it in half!!!" Kate replies
Every weekday, at exactly 5:03 p.m., Dr. Kendall would go to the pub next to his office. His practice done for the day, he would relax with a hazelnut daiquiri, which was the pub's specialty. He had done this, for so many years, so consistently, that Zach, the bartender, would have it ready for him when he arrived.
Imagine Zach's horror, one day, to discover that the few hazelnuts he had were rotted! As it was approaching 4:55, he had no time to go get new hazelnuts, but he did find some hickory nuts that were suitable for use.
When Dr. Kendall arrived, and sipped his drink, he made eye contact with Zach, and said, 'Something's different about this drink.
Zach blushed, and replied, yes sir, there is. We ran out of hazelnuts... so this... is a... hickory daiquiri, Doc.
The American Navy are on manoeuvres off Newfoundland when a call from the Canadians comes in " Sir please steer 15 degrees south to avoid a major collision. " The Captain responds " Recommend you steer 15 degrees North to avoid major collision." The Canadians respond " Negative, please divert steering 15 degrees South to avoid collision."
The Americans are annoyed and respond " Sir we are the American Navy , suggest you set a course steering 15 degrees North to avoid a collision. " The Canadians again respond " Avert your course to avoid a collision."
The Captain replies " We are the American Navy, this is the USS Lincoln the second biggest carrier in the American fleet we are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels . I demand you change your course steering 15 degrees North . I say one five degrees North or measures will be taken to ensure the safety of our vessels !!!" .
The Canadians reply " This is a Lighthouse ............. your call!"