Favourite lines from the show

According to the Prophet Bickerdyke
Compo "I've seen him before......Nora Batty was clouting him with her handbag."
Clegg "Could we ask why?"
Compo "She thought it was me."
 
Next Kiss Please
Compo "I'd rather kiss Nora Batty than one of my ferrets."
Clegg "For me it would have to be a really terrible ferret."
 
DownHill Racer
Seymour "I was once reputed to have something of a singing voice."
Compo "What made you change it for the one you've got now?"
 
Getting Sam Home
Compo "Whenever it's hot that woman in the Dry Cleaners wears hardly anything under her overall."
Foggy "When do you go to the Dry Cleaners?"
Compo "Whenever it's hot."
 
Getting Sam Home
Clegg "The thing about getting old is you get fewer scabs on your knees but more internal injuries."
 
Under the Rug
Compo is trying to sell himself to Nora
Compo "I come in three colours."
Nora "I know I've seen your washing."
 
I can't remember the episode (no doubt someone will )lol
P.c's Cooper and Walsh are sitting in their patrol car eating chocolates.
Walsh "Should we be eating chocolates in uniform?"
Cooper "Are yours in uniform? Mine are dressed very casually."
 
Ordeal By Trousers
Clegg "Very hard working are your ants."
Pearl "I expect that's why they call them ants,if they were uncles they'd be lolling about all over the place seriously unemployed."
 
Has anyone seen a Peruvian Wart?
Billy "You can't call that a moustache...it's more like a dead eyelash."
 
Downhill Racer
Clegg talking to Compo "I remember your mother,she had arms like wrestlers legs,bosom that went all the way round and big boots."
Compo 'Oh they were me dads boots."
Clegg "Sad though isn't it...to think of him wandering around in his stocking feet.'
Compo "Oh no he had another pair."
Clegg "Oh conspicuous consumer was he?"
 
That Certain Smile
The boys visit Clem Hemingway in hospital again
Seymour "Hello Clem,I told you we'd be back."
Clem "Yeah but I thought you meant the next time I was in hospital."
 
The Swan Man of Ilkley
Glenda "Does your Howard snorkle."
Pearl "Only when he lies on his back."
 
The pony set
Mr Lucy "Have you heard of hypothermia?"
Compo "I've heard of hypothermia...I backed it yesterday."
Mr Lucy "It means losing heat."
Compo "That's the one."
 
Stop That Castle
The ladies hear a noise outside Edie's
Nora "It'll be a do-it-yourselfer....that's the problem with do-it-yourselfers,they never know when to stop."
Glenda "My Barry does it himself and he knows when to stop."
 
Beware the Vanilla Slice
Compo "I've got the skin of a 20 year old."
Clegg "You've just been folding it badly."
 
Available for Weddings
Truly tells auntie that he might be interested in any old police equipment she might have.
Auntie shows him a boot
Auntie "Belonged to Jack the ripper."
Truly "They never caught him."
Auntie "They would have had him if his boot hadn't come off."
 
Available for weddings
Pearl "How come you never take me out?"
Howard "I take you out."
Pearl "When?.....You take that wheelie bin out more than you take me."
Howard "You can close the lid on the wheelie bin."
 
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