Favourite lines from the show

Short back and Palais glide
Compo "It's no good fighting it Cyril,tha knows deep down tha fancies me. I've got strong masculine appeal."
Blamire "Aye,very strong on damp days and in poorly ventilated places."
Compo "Now then cheeky,what do you know about my poorly ventilated places."
 
Short back and palais glide
Blamire "Oh sit down you looney pillock."
Clegg "No leave him,I think it's interesting.The courtship dance of the lesser spotted Herbert.In a minute he'll start building his nest a simple structure of mattress fluff and old Sporting Chronicles."


Policeman "Well can you find your way to Westlake Gardens?"
Compo "Oh Aye I'm like a homing pigeon."
Policeman "Short bandy legs."
Compo "Oh no I'm not bandy.....me wellies are bent."
 
The self-propelled salad strainer
Pearl bumps into Norman Clegg in the supermarket
Pearl "I hate to see men shopping,it encourages shopkeepers to believe we're all idiots."
 
Ordeal By Trousers
Ivy "Just sit yourselves down I don't want any trouble in here."
Compo "Ivy love,Ivy you're mixing us up with some trouble makers.A bloke comes in here for a quiet cuppa..."
Ivy "Quiet, they can hear you slurping in Huddersfield."
 
Isometrics and After
Nora "I didn't come here to be insulted."
Compo "Why not,the customers do."
Sid "Listen if you've got any complaints see my missus."
Clegg "No it's alright Sidney,we'd rather have a complaint than see your missus."

Ivy "I've never met a man yet that's worth half a good woman."
Sid "That's the trouble...you can't get half a good woman,you've got to take the whole nattering lot."
 
Set the people Free
Compo "What're you doing Wal?"
Wally "I'm cleaning these brushes so we can start on another colour. Life's like that...just one giddy sensation after another."
Compo "Drop it Wal,come for a walk with us."
Wally "I suppose I could......It'd be quicker than taking an overdose."
 
In the Service of Humanity
Foggy is equipping his medical bag
Foggy "First Aid Kit - First Aid Manual - Flask of hot sweet tea - Aspirins - Torch and battery - Assorted splints - and emergency surgical instruments."
Compo "Hang about.....what's these emergency surgical instruments ?"
Foggy "Well at the moment it's a Swiss army pen knife and a bent spoon."
 
How about this one from Short Back and Palais Glide.

Ivy, who has been dancing with Sid. 'You're not holding me properly'

Sid, holding his hands up. 'Well, put your neck in there'
 
pollysue said:
How about this one from Short Back and Palais Glide.

Ivy, who has been dancing with Sid. 'You're not holding me properly'

Sid, holding his hands up. 'Well, put your neck in there'
Click to expand...
That is one of my all time favourite scenes.The first time I saw it I laughed so much I had a coughing fit.It's the most exercise I'd had in years. :)
 
Beware of the Oglethorpe
The lads are looking at Coggy who hasn't moved a muscle.
Compo "He does,he looks familiar."
Clegg "He probably reminds you of an old wardrobe or a switched off television set."
 
Cashflow Problems
The trio are standing looking down into the valley
Foggy "Everytime I come up here the spirit soars.You cant' help thinking what a wonderful place it would be to set up a machine gun."
 
The flag and its snag
Clegg "I discovered that nude modelling makes your neck ache."
Sid "Why should it make your neck ache?"
Clegg "I spent two hours staring up at the ceiling."
Foggy "It's true....I thought he was peering under his glasses."
Compo "No way...I'd already borrowed his glasses."
 
The flag and its snag
Willis is thrown out of the pub
Compo "They're throwing you out much further these days Willis."
Willis "It's that new landlord...he like to do everything bigger and better than the last one."
Clegg "Why don't you change pubs Willis?"
Willis "What and be thrown out by strangers...."
 
The flag and further snags
Compo "What you need is a vigorous massage from the skilled fingers of Nora Batty."
Clegg "She does a massage?"
Compo "I don't suppose so...but it's not a bad thought to consider while sitting in the back of a Rolls Royce smoking a dog-end."
 
Just a Small Funeral
Edie orders Wesley to change out of his overalls into a suit.
Edie "He's like a deep sea diver.If he comes up to soon he gets the bends."

Wesley is fiddling with his shirt and tie.
Edie "Leave it alone."
Wesley "I wish it was alone.There's not room for both of us."
 
Coming of the Beast
Clegg "Do you miss work Billy?"
Billy "I miss going to work."
Truly "I miss the excitement of being in the police force."
Clegg "I know what you mean.I miss the excitement of being a lino salesman."
 
A Clean Sweep
Clegg "Yorkshire spiders aren't poisonous.....they're just argumentative at cricket matches."

In the cafe
Ivy "Didn't I see you at the wedding this morning?"
Sweep "I'm sorry I'll never do it again."
 
A Double for Howard
Compo and Howard put Compo's broken front door back in place.
Compo "That's near enough."
Howard "Why don'y you get it fixed?"
Compo "It's the first thing on me list."
Howard "How long has it been like that?"
Compo "Lets see....What's today?"
Howard "Thursday"
Compo "Thursday............About seven years."
 
By the magnificent thighs of Ernie Burniston
Wesley "I've just seen Norman Clegg with this really terrible looking female."
Edie "Which terrible looking female?"
Wesley "Dunno...a stranger to me."
Edie "But why would Norman Clegg want a terrible looking female?"
Wesley "Don't ask me I'm the last one who should give advice on that."
 
Why Does Norman Clegg Buy Ladies Elastic Stockings

(this one has somewhat of a build up to it, but a great line at the end!)

Compo: Nobody's insulting thee.
Wally: There ya are, see?
Compo: It's just that I like to see thee in showroom condition.
Wally: It's just that he likes to see ya in sho...
Nora: Ya don't have to repeat everything!! What are you, a husband or a parrot??
Wally: .......Who's a clever boy, then??

LOL
 
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