jokes bad or otherwise.

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York.

It was teeming with rain and all the prostitutes were standing under the shop awnings.

The boy asked his mom what the women were doing. "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work !"she said

The taxi-driver looked round and said "Tell him the truth lady, they're hookers kid they have sex with men for money!!"

The woman just answered in the affirmative while glaring at the driver.

After a few minutes the boy says to his mom " What happens to the babies these women have??"

"They become taxi drivers!" she said.::)
 
truly awful

From the radio a trio of real shockers

1 . A skeleton goes into a bar and asks for a pint of beer and a mop

2. A man goes into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm " a pint of beer barman and one for the road"

3. A man is taking his dog for a walk as it needs a wee he bumps into a friend who he begins talking to . As he does the dog gets up on its hind legs, puts its front paws against the brick wall and does its business. The friend says " that's amazing how long has he been doing that?" The man says " ever since a wall fell on him!"
 
Subject: Dillerisms…

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?


Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up
is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football
is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out....

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years
telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties . . .
is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing . . .
was the day I accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle:
Keep Away From Children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down . . .
is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
 
Men Jokes .......................
A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE.

ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.


One day my housework-challenged Husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' Brisbane Broncos !'

And they say blondes are dumb...

________________________________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.......

_________________________________________

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
____________________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

_________________________________________

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

________________________________________

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.

_________________________________________

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .

_________________________________________
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
________________________________________
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

_________________________________________
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

_________________________________________


While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........

......then He made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed.

_________________________________________
 
big unc said:
dear lord,
i pray for wisdom to understand my man;love to forgive him; and patience for his moods.

Because, lord, if i pray for strength, i'll beat him to death.

Amen

________________________________________

q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.

_________________________________________

_______________________________________
q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
_________________________________________
q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'instruction manuals'

_________________________________________
Click to expand...


;D;D;D;D;D;D;D

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
 
Last edited:
a little risque

A man walks into a crowded bar and joins the throng queueing for a drink . A lady in front of him eventually turns around and says " I would be grateful if you would desist from prodding me with that" . The man apologises and says" I assure you madam its not what you think its merely my wage packet " to which the lady replies " that must be some job you have , that's the fifth rise you have had in the last two minutes! "
 
captain clutterbuck said:
A man walks into a crowded bar and joins the throng queueing for a drink . A lady in front of him eventually turns around and says " I would be grateful if you would desist from prodding me with that" . The man apologises and says" I assure you madam its not what you think its merely my wage packet " to which the lady replies " that must be some job you have , that's the fifth rise you have had in the last two minutes! "
Click to expand...


:30::39::39::29::29::29::29::29:
 
The pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday,
he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48
minutes.

The congregation had to mop him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked
him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for
more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more
than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his Wife's' teeth in by mistake
and he couldn't shut up.
 
Just to keep the thread open.......

I remember this one off a matchbox.

Three old ladies walking across the beach, The first one said "Isn't it windy??"

The second one said "I thought it was Thursday?", the last one said "So am I lets go for a cup of tea!!"

:-[ :-[ ;)
 
old comic recalled

Just watched fabulous routine from the sadly departed Chic Murray on you tube . He's at a wedding in Blackpool , it was the bride's eighth marriage the organist didn't play here comes the bride simply played here we are again! At the reception he happened to be sat opposite a woman with a long nose he had nothing against long nosed persons , there are people in his family with long noses in fact they run in his family .

He was enamoured with what she could do with it, he was particularly impressed the way she managed to pick a bread roll that had fallen on the floor. He didn't want to stare so just to acknowledge her he nodded and said hello , the lady nodded back and cut the wedding cake the bride was in tears [in fact so was the cake] .

Suddenly the long nosed woman stuck her nose up in the air and said " I see someone is cooking cabbage in Manchester" . After the reception he decided to take a walk along the Blackpool Promenade and stood waiting at the bus stop to get back to his hotel when he felt a constant prodding in his back and he knew before turning around it was the woman with the long nose .

Well she suddenly moved forward and tripped and her nose got caught in the tram lines. He and a few people at the stop tried to free her but her nose was stuck fast . With no choice he picked her up by the legs and wheeled her to the depot !
 
jokes bad or otherwise

Is it right to imply that the Minion chortling at the result is therefore of the female gender ! That said men cannot manage without ladies . A man is travelling in Japan and books into a top of the range luxury hotel . Every thing he may ever need is included in his room including a robotic voluptuous woman with the logo " the housewife all the creature comforts you are missing whilst you are away from home , will undertake any task your heart desires ".

Well he has been on the road for a month had no female company and being a man his amorous intentions get the better of him , he decides that having sex with this robot surely it can do no harm after all it is not a real woman so he indulges himself .

30 seconds into the act he jumps up and screams in agony when he looks down his $%£"! has a button sown on it!
 
really bad jokes

I thought you may appreciate a few of Ken Dodd's one liners [or maybe not]

What a beautiful day for pushing a cucumber through someone's letterbox and shouting Help! The Martians have landed.

If you bang two horses together you don't get the sound of coconuts.

I saw a topless female ventriloquist today apparently no one has ever seen her lips move

I have been paying my taxes since 1945 when it was 2 pence in the pound. I just thought the rate had never changed since then.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother

I'm thinking about going into politics as the next Chancellor of the Exchequer so I can be reunited with my money.

I lost my dog the other day so I put an ad in the Liverpool Echo " Here Boy! "
 
Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk.
After about two hours, the first racehorse says: "You know... when I was a young racehorse... from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived..."
In response to this and approximately a half an hour later, the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah... when I was a young racehorse... from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived..."
Now it was about this time that the bartender, a greyhound, decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do, I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."
The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)... a talking greyhound.


 
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.


As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.


"Yes, Dad, what is it?"


"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
 
FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH


His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh


The brother who ate prunes------------------------------------ Gotta Gogh


His magician uncle ------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh


The nephew who drove a stage coach ----------------------- Wells-far Gogh


The constipated uncle ---------------------------------------- Can't Gogh


The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------------- Tang Gogh


The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh


The fruit-loving cousin ---------------------------------------- Man Gogh


An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------------ Way-to-Gogh


The little bouncy nephew --------------------------------------- Poe Gogh


A sister who loved disco ---------------------------------------- Go Gogh


And his niece who travels the country in an RV ---------- Winnie Bay Gogh



(obviously the USA branch of the family)
 
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.


"I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.


"What did he say??" asked the nurse.


"'Oops!'"
 
A preacher stood up before his congregation and said, "I have so much to say, I don't know where to begin."


Someone in the pew shouted, "How about somewhere close to the end."
 
A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.


Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.


Sergeant: What is her height?


Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.


Sergeant: Weight?


Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.


Sergeant: Color of eyes?


Husband: Never noticed.


Sergeant: Color of hair?


Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.


Sergeant: What was she wearing?


Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.


Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?


Husband: She went in my truck.


Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?


Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.


At this point the husband started choking up.


Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
 
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