jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Definitely Bad
Two guys go into a bar first one tells the other " Hey donkey get the drinks , its your turn donkey so get them in , I'm going to the toilet donkey and the drinks better be there when I get back"
Barman says " I'll serve you but I'm not very happy at the way he is speaking to you and calling you names "
The guy says " Dont' worry he haw he haw he haw he always calls me that "
Two guys go into a bar first one tells the other " Hey donkey get the drinks , its your turn donkey so get them in , I'm going to the toilet donkey and the drinks better be there when I get back"
Barman says " I'll serve you but I'm not very happy at the way he is speaking to you and calling you names "
The guy says " Dont' worry he haw he haw he haw he always calls me that "
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
equally as bad
Two friends meet up in the bar one is really down other asks "what's up Fred"
"I have had a bit of bad news, my Grandfather has passed away . He was everything to us taught my brothers and I everything we know, he was kind and generous, really good to my Grandmother always gave her his wages without fail on a Friday ,took on her some lovely holidays. Until the day he died he still made love to her, always on a Sunday without fail think it was something to do with the rhythm of the church bells seemed to match his tempo......... and if it wasn't for Mr Whippy and his ice cream he'd be alive today!"
Two friends meet up in the bar one is really down other asks "what's up Fred"
"I have had a bit of bad news, my Grandfather has passed away . He was everything to us taught my brothers and I everything we know, he was kind and generous, really good to my Grandmother always gave her his wages without fail on a Friday ,took on her some lovely holidays. Until the day he died he still made love to her, always on a Sunday without fail think it was something to do with the rhythm of the church bells seemed to match his tempo......... and if it wasn't for Mr Whippy and his ice cream he'd be alive today!"
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then
we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then
we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
not so great
A man arrives home from work shouts "Hello honey I'm home" to which there is no reply so he goes upstairs to find his wife sprawled naked on the bed gasping for breath " Thank God your home I . think I'm having a heart attack" .
The man leaps down the stairs grabs the phone and dials 999, as he is waiting for it to be answered his son appears saying " Daddy, Daddy Uncle Frank is in the Wardrobe in your Room"
The father drops the phone, runs upstairs,rips the the wardrobe door off confronting the naked man " You rotten &*£$%^ playing hide and seek with the kids when my wife is lying on the bed having a heart attack"
A man arrives home from work shouts "Hello honey I'm home" to which there is no reply so he goes upstairs to find his wife sprawled naked on the bed gasping for breath " Thank God your home I . think I'm having a heart attack" .
The man leaps down the stairs grabs the phone and dials 999, as he is waiting for it to be answered his son appears saying " Daddy, Daddy Uncle Frank is in the Wardrobe in your Room"
The father drops the phone, runs upstairs,rips the the wardrobe door off confronting the naked man " You rotten &*£$%^ playing hide and seek with the kids when my wife is lying on the bed having a heart attack"
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
After being married for 40 years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
Lets see he said "You're an alphabet wife A B C D E F G H I J K "
What does that mean ? she said.
Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Elegant , Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot!!
She smiled and said that's lovely, what about I J K??
He said , " I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are optimistic about saving his testicles!
Lets see he said "You're an alphabet wife A B C D E F G H I J K "
What does that mean ? she said.
Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Elegant , Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot!!
She smiled and said that's lovely, what about I J K??
He said , " I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are optimistic about saving his testicles!
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
I have a little satnav, it sits there in my car, A satnav is a drivers friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little satnav , I've had it most my life. It's better than the normal ones, my satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive It's 60 miles an hour it says, you're doing 65!
It tells me when to start and when to use the brake and tells me that it's never safe to overtake.
It tells me when the light is red and when it go's to green, it seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.,
It lists the vehicles to the front and all those to the rear and taking this into account it specifies my gear,
I'm sure no other driver has as helpful a device , cause when we leave and lock the car it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling ,each journey's pretty fraught;
Why don't I exchange it and get a cheaper sort?
Ah well you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things and keeps me warm in bed
Despite all these advantages and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish just now and then I could turn the bugger off!!
I have a little satnav , I've had it most my life. It's better than the normal ones, my satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive It's 60 miles an hour it says, you're doing 65!
It tells me when to start and when to use the brake and tells me that it's never safe to overtake.
It tells me when the light is red and when it go's to green, it seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.,
It lists the vehicles to the front and all those to the rear and taking this into account it specifies my gear,
I'm sure no other driver has as helpful a device , cause when we leave and lock the car it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling ,each journey's pretty fraught;
Why don't I exchange it and get a cheaper sort?
Ah well you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things and keeps me warm in bed
Despite all these advantages and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish just now and then I could turn the bugger off!!
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
A little old lady goes to see her doctor , she says to him "Doctor I have this problem with constant farting!" She continues "Although I fart all the while they are silent and don't smell, in fact I've done at least 10 since I came in your office!!"
The doctor looked at her and said " take these pills and come back in a week. "
The following week she came back, she told him " I don't know what was in those pills doctor but my farts though still silent , now stink foul!!"
The doctor looked at her and said " We've sorted out your sinuses , now lets see what we can do with your hearing!""
The doctor looked at her and said " take these pills and come back in a week. "
The following week she came back, she told him " I don't know what was in those pills doctor but my farts though still silent , now stink foul!!"
The doctor looked at her and said " We've sorted out your sinuses , now lets see what we can do with your hearing!""
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
NOAH TODAY!
In 2014 The Lord spoke to Noah who was now living in Somerset and said," Once again I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark Noah and save 2 of every living thing and also a few good humans."
He told Noah that he had 6 months to complete the task ,after that it would rain 40 days and 40 nights.
6 months later The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping but no Ark was built.
Noah said "Forgive me Lord but things have changed "
"Firstly I needed a building permit , I have also had arguments with the boat inspectors regarding installing a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the bye-laws by building in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We are waiting on the local planning committee for a decision.
The local council and the electric company want a boat load of money for moving power lines etc for the Arks trip to the sea. I explained that the sea would be coming to us but to no avail!
Getting the wood was a problem, there is a ban on cutting trees to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.I said having the wood would help me save the owls but they would not listen.!
When I started gathering animals the R.S.P.C.A. took me to court, they said I was confining animals against their will and it was cruel and inhuman to put so many into such a small space.
The Environmental Protection Agency said I could not start building until they'd done an Impact Study on your proposed flood!
I am trying to resolve a complaint with The Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I should use to help me build the Ark. Immigration will have to check the visa status of anyone who applies to help in the build.
The Trade Union movement say my sons cannot help me, I should only use union labour with Ark building experience!!
To make matters worse the Inland Revenue have seized all my assets , claiming I am trying to leave the country with endangered species!
Therefore Lord you must give me more time, at this rate it could be 10 years before I finish the Ark!!"
All of a sudden the skies cleared ,the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow went across Heaven.
"Does this mean Lord that you are not to destroy the land??"
The Lord replied " The government have already beaten me to it!!
In 2014 The Lord spoke to Noah who was now living in Somerset and said," Once again I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark Noah and save 2 of every living thing and also a few good humans."
He told Noah that he had 6 months to complete the task ,after that it would rain 40 days and 40 nights.
6 months later The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping but no Ark was built.
Noah said "Forgive me Lord but things have changed "
"Firstly I needed a building permit , I have also had arguments with the boat inspectors regarding installing a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the bye-laws by building in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We are waiting on the local planning committee for a decision.
The local council and the electric company want a boat load of money for moving power lines etc for the Arks trip to the sea. I explained that the sea would be coming to us but to no avail!
Getting the wood was a problem, there is a ban on cutting trees to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.I said having the wood would help me save the owls but they would not listen.!
When I started gathering animals the R.S.P.C.A. took me to court, they said I was confining animals against their will and it was cruel and inhuman to put so many into such a small space.
The Environmental Protection Agency said I could not start building until they'd done an Impact Study on your proposed flood!
I am trying to resolve a complaint with The Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I should use to help me build the Ark. Immigration will have to check the visa status of anyone who applies to help in the build.
The Trade Union movement say my sons cannot help me, I should only use union labour with Ark building experience!!
To make matters worse the Inland Revenue have seized all my assets , claiming I am trying to leave the country with endangered species!
Therefore Lord you must give me more time, at this rate it could be 10 years before I finish the Ark!!"
All of a sudden the skies cleared ,the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow went across Heaven.
"Does this mean Lord that you are not to destroy the land??"
The Lord replied " The government have already beaten me to it!!
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
One day a husband returns after some hours fishing on a campsite lake and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat and go on the lake to read.
Along comes the warden and pulls along side the woman. " Good day ma'am , what are you doing??"
The woman says "I'm reading!" all the while thinking isn't it obvious!
The warden says " You're in a restricted fishing area!"
She says "I'm not fishing , I'm reading!!"
He says " You have all the equipment with you, how do I know you wont start in a minute?" "I'll have to give you a summons for illegal fishing!"
" If you do that "she says , " I'll have to charge you with sexual assault!"
But I haven't touched you! he said.
"Ah but " she said "you have all the equipment with you! How do I know you wont start in a minute??"
" Have a nice day ma'am " he said and left.
MORAL Never argue with a woman who reads , its likely she's a thinker as well.
Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat and go on the lake to read.
Along comes the warden and pulls along side the woman. " Good day ma'am , what are you doing??"
The woman says "I'm reading!" all the while thinking isn't it obvious!
The warden says " You're in a restricted fishing area!"
She says "I'm not fishing , I'm reading!!"
He says " You have all the equipment with you, how do I know you wont start in a minute?" "I'll have to give you a summons for illegal fishing!"
" If you do that "she says , " I'll have to charge you with sexual assault!"
But I haven't touched you! he said.
"Ah but " she said "you have all the equipment with you! How do I know you wont start in a minute??"
" Have a nice day ma'am " he said and left.
MORAL Never argue with a woman who reads , its likely she's a thinker as well.