jokes bad or otherwise.

John visited his 90-year-old Grandad who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s Grandad prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His granddad replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch, Grandad made burgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as he appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.

Without looking up, Grandad said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”

Later, as John was leaving, his grandad’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.

John said, “Granddad, your dog won’t let me get by!”

Grandad yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, lie down!”
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
A bit of an Oh Matron Joke hope no one minds .

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The magician arrived in Barcelona to perform the last show in this seasons tour, only to find out that he hadn't sold a single ticket yet.

Devastated, he took to the streets to perform and hopefully drum up some interest in his show. Everywhere he went the people would hardly look at him, no one would shake his hand, watch his performance, or even acknowledge his increasingly desperate carnival barker style calls for attention. No one gave any attention to his tricks, not the moving mark, the blinking blot, or the blue to black bamboozle.

The magician gave up late afternoon as he was hungry and found an old man with a food cart.

Frustration was visible on the magicians face so the old man asks "what's got you down?"

The magician responds "I've been selling out shows throughout Europe but here people won't even take 30 seconds to watch my very top stupefying Signature trick, no one will shake my hand or even look at me, if I'd have known I would never have come here".

The old man smiled kindly and told him "Don't be so hard on yourself, there's no way you could have known, my friend"

"Why do you say that?" inquired the magician?

"Because no one expects the Spanish Ink Wizard Shun" :fp::tw:
A doctor puts up a sign in front of his practice.

The sign reads, if I can cure you, I get £20. If I can’t cure you, I pay you £100. A lawyer decides that it’s his time to make easy cash so goes to the doctor.

“Doctor, I cant taste anything anymore. Please cure me!”

The doctor tells his nurse to get him some of drawer 33 and tells the Lawyer to take a sip

“Urgh ! Wait a second,” the lawyer says. “This is petrol !” “There you go. £20 please.”

The lawyer pays and leaves, frustrated. He comes back the next day, determined to succeed.

“Doctor, please cure my memory loss.”

“Nurse, fetch some of drawer 33!”

The lawyer exclaims, “Hang on Drawer 33 is Petrol like yesterday ” “Memory fixed. £20 please.”

The lawyer stomps away, displeased. The next day, he comes up with a fool proof strategy.

“Doctor, I’m blind! Cure me please.” “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to cure that. Here’s your £100,” he says, handing the lawyer a fiver .”

“Wait a second! This is £5, not £100!”

“A miracle you can see and your no longer blind, £20 please.”
Marjory and her friend were in the car driving through town.
After they had gone through 3 sets of red lights Marjory turns to her friend and says !"
"Do you realise that was 3 sets of red lights you've driven through ?"
Her friend turns to her and says "Oh dear , am I driving ?":fp::08:
A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.

After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their Chieftain.

The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests.

If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.

"Fair enough," says the man.

"Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them."

The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests.

"In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more."

The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test.

Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut.

The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps.

He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches.

He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."
A rather mature lady has been on her own for some time and decides she wants some pampering , a massage and some "rumpy pumpy" . She decides to check into a Hotel for her birthday and has surfed the net for a suitable person to provide her every need. She settles on Tender Tony all your needs catered for.

She pick up the phone dials the number and so she won't stumble over her words she rushes in. "Hello Tony I want the works . It's my birthday and I want a relaxing massage , a facial , manicure , pedicure , cover me in whipped cream and chocolate syrup and full blown rumpy pumpy , how does that sound and will you do it?"

The answer comes back " Madam that sounds absolutely delightful but may I remind you that you need to press 9 for an outside line"

:eek:Oh Matron!