jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
As I was walking down the street one day, I saw a man laying in the gutter. I asked him if he was OK and the man replied "I just found an empty parking space. I'm waiting for the wife to bring the car."
Reminds me of the tale Chic Murray once told Billy Connolly . He'd fallen in the street, and a woman said to him, ‘Did you fall?’ He said, ‘No, I’m trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”

“My false teeth are killing me.”

“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.” “Oh please do...” “Give me a day or two.”

With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.”

Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.”
“Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.”

Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.”

Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit. “Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!”

Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.” :eek::30::35:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross are desperate for a drink whilst staying in the Isle of Skye so they decide to break into a local Distillery. After gaining entry Jonathan breaks open the first cask and Graham asks " Is it Whisky ???" Jonathan replies " Well its not as Whisky as Wobbing a bank" :08::fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
There was a very wealthy Count named Carl.

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from or where it was hidden.

One day, the town's law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from and where he stashed it. Count Carl refused to tell them .

Losing patience they threatened him with execution. Count Carl insisted that he would take the secret of his wealth to the grave, even when they dragged him up to the stage and commanded him to lay his head on the block.

The executioner raised the axe high and Count Carl yelled, “ Wait ,Wait, I’ll tell you! I-“

SPLAT! Too Late

The axe had come down and severed Count Carl’s head from his body, letting him take the secret of his wealth with him.

“Just goes to show,” murmured the executioner, “Never hatchet your Counts before they Chicken.”
:08: :tw: :fp:
 
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