jokes bad or otherwise.

barmpot

Well-Known Member
Daughter: "Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?"

Dad: "When you're a year older than your brother."

The daughter thought for a moment and replied: "But I'll never be older than my brother, he was born first."

Dad: "I guess there's your answer. But don't blame me, go talk to your brother."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
A story told by a chemistry professor:

A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

Puzzled, the student asked the purpose of this action.

"It will give me time to run away," said the professor.
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me fat.

Wife: That's ridiculous!

Husband: Okay, Miss know it all, If high fructose corn syrup didn't make me fat, what did?

Wife: (drolly) Going back for thirds.
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.

"Aha," she thought, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
 
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
 
A 90 year old man is at his Doctors for a check up and the Doctor asks how things are. The Old Man is beaming and announces " I got married to a lovely 21 year old and I am happy to say she is pregnant so what do you think about that ? "

The Doctor thinks for a minute and then tells the man " I have an elderly friend who goes Grouse shooting and on a very confusing day he took a long umbrella from the stand instead of his shotgun. When a Grouse flew overhead he pointed the brolley at the bird and shouted Bang Bang . To his surprise the bird fell dead to the ground . What do you think of that?"

The old man replied " Well I think someone else killed the Grouse"

"My point exactly" the Doctor replied.
 
A man attends an auction and is bidding for a Parrot . He bids and then it is immediately topped and so it continues until he finally wins out , paying far more than he intended. As he goes to pay and collect the bird he says to the Auctioneer " I know I have paid over the odds and for that money I hope the Parrot is a good talker!" . " Good talker !!! Of course it is who do you think was bidding against you"
 
A student rides into college on a top of the range bike . Seeing it his best friend says " Wow great bike where did you get it? " Well I was at the Halls of Residence and this gorgeous lady rode up to me, removed all her clothes and said you can have anything you wish for. " Good choice" his friend replied " Her clothes would never have fit you " :08::fp:
 
They've announced the winning joke at the Edinburgh Fringe so I thought I would share some of the contenders with you, some are worthy of being Dick specials :-

I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring.

I've got a new job collecting jumpers[sweaters] left in the park at weekends . It's not an easy job as they keep moving the goalposts.

I lost a friend after we had what I thought was a little argument about Doctor Who's Tardis , however it seemed much bigger when we got into it .

Why are they calling it Brexit and not the Great British Break Off.

Trump said he'd build a wall but he is yet to pick up a brick . He is just another middle aged man failing on a DIY project.

The winning gag was

Working at the Job Centre has to be a tense job , knowing that if you get sacked you have to come in the next day ! :)
 
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologised and said, "I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a Hearse for the last 25 years."
 

dick

Well-Known Member
Sort of topical...…………………..A man was leaning over the rail of a cruise ship, a passing steward asked if he was alright.
The man said "I feel terrible, what shall I do ?"
The steward said " You'll soon find out !" :fp::eyesroll:
 
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
A nursery school teacher was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
 
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