jokes bad or otherwise.

barmpot

Well-Known Member
A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing -- it showed four people on an aeroplane!

Teacher: "What Bible story is that?"

Kid: "It's the flight to Egypt."

Teacher: "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus ... but who's the fourth person?"

Kid: "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot."
 
A rugby player suffers a horrendous injury in the Scrum and he has both his ears torn off . His medical insurance and his club compensate for him having to retire . So with the money he decides to open a sportswear firm but decides to draft someone into manage it as he knows nothing about business and puts and advert in the paper advertising the vacancy. Three candidates apply and turn up for the interview.

The first man goes in and the ex Rugby Player is impressed with his knowledge . As a final question he asks the candidate " What do you notice is different about me ?" . The man replies "you have no ears!" Angry that the man shows no discretion and is disrespecting him he throws him out of the room .

The second man goes in and the ex Rugby Player is impressed with his knowledge and experience having worked for Nike . As a final question he asks the candidate " What do you notice is different about me ?" . The man replies "you have no ears!" Angry that the man shows no discretion and is disrespecting him he throws him out of the room .

The third man goes in , he is a wet behind the ears student but he has a knowledge of sportswear and the ex Rugby Player is impressed with his presentation . As a final question he asks the candidate " What do you notice is different about me ?" . The kid replies " You wear Contact lenses" . The Ex Rugby player is impressed and enquires " How did you deduce that?" "Well it was relatively easy " the kid replies " With no &^%$£ Ears how could you wear glasses!!"
 
A priest has fallen on hard times in what is a very poor Parish. He has tried everything to raise money Bingo, Coffee Mornings , Whist Drives but nothing is working and he decides that his last chance lies in Horse Racing , not gambling but owning a Horse and racing for big money. So he goes to the sales but finds the horses expensive but for a little donkey in the corner . It was good enough for our Lord to ride on so that is good enough for me and he buys it.

A few days later he enters the Donkey in it's first race and it manages to come third. The Racing Post publishes the story of the race with the Headline " PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS" . A couple of days later he runs it again and this time it wins and he bags £5000. The Racing Post again publishes the story of the race with the headline "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT!" .

The Priest's Bishop sees the story and orders the Priest to cease Racing the donkey as it is publicly bad for the Church . The Racing Post asks the Priest when the Donkey is to run next but they are told that the Bishop has stopped it Racing , they publish the story with the Headline "BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS" .

The Bishop is angry and orders the Priest to get rid of the Donkey . The Priest decides to give the Donkey to the convent down the road . The Racing Post find out that the donkey has stopped Racing and has been given away and publish the story with the Headline " NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN". The Bishop on reading the story at breakfast feints and falls face first in his cornflakes.

The Nun is feeling guilty so she sells the Donkey to a Farmer down the road and again the Racing Post covered the story with the Headline " NUN SELLS HER ASS TO LOCAL FARMER FOR £10" . The Bishop was buried the following day!
 

dick

Well-Known Member
A pupil was having his first French lesson. Not understanding a word he put up his hand and said "Can I please go to the toilet ?"
The master replied "Oui oui " The boy said "Not really, I just want a drink of water " :08::fp:
 
A Flying Saucer landed at a Gas station on a lonely country road in Texas. The two Aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection , in fact , the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, stunned with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realise what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yes," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means............................................................................. 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
 
A University Professor wants to give his fresher students a lesson about alcohol knowing fine well as freshers a hangover is a badge of honour they will wear most days . To illustrate his point he places a glass of neat whisky and a glass of pure water on the desk in front of the students into which he puts two worms . "Students please observe what happens closely" as he introduces the worms to the whisky and water.

The worm in the water glass wriggles about quite happy with life, the worm in the whisky glass shudders, curls up , drops to the bottom of the glass and dies.

" What does this lesson teach us students ? " At which a spotty youth at the back of the lecture hall pipes up " If we drink whisky sir we will never get worms!"
 
A couple were on Holiday in Newcastle from London . The lady decided to have her hair done and went into a Hairdressers in Newcastle City Centre
where she asked if they did Perms . " Wey of course wa dee ! Everyone knows The ool and the moggie went ta Sea in a beautiful Pea Green bowt , Wa lurnt it at School" :fp:
 

dick

Well-Known Member
A man walks into a bar with a Cornish Pasty on his head. The barman being a curious chap asked him why ??
The man said "I always have a pasty on my head on Thursdays !"
The barman said "But today is Friday !"
"Oh no" , said the man , "I must look a right pillock !":confused2:
 
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