jokes bad or otherwise.

An Irishman who had a little to much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A Policeman pulls him over.

"So," says the Policeman to the driver, "Where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the Policeman , "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

"To be sure I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the Policeman, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few junctions back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
 
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be 6 again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and Pick and Mix. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
She wearily opened one eye and uttered " You @$£$% clown didn't you know I was talking about my Dress size !!!"
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
At the end of their first date, a young fellow takes the girl back to her home. On the front porch, leaning against the wall with a bit of swagger, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

He: "Sweet thing, how 'bout a good night kiss?"

She: "Oh, I couldn't do that. My parents will see us!"

He: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

She: "No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us."

He: "Baby, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

She: "No way. It's just too risky!"

He: "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

She: "No. I like you too, but I just can't!"

He: "Oh yes you can. Please, Sugar? Please?"

She: "No, no. I just can't."

He: "Pleeeeease?..."

Then the porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, sleepy, hair dishevelled. "Dad says go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
Ms. Jones, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Dewey raised his hand. The teacher called on Dewey for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, little Dewey answered, "A lawyer."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
The young mother sceptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.

"It's designed to adjust the child to live in today's world, ma'am," the shop assistant replied. "So basically, any way he tries to put it together is wrong."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
A father of 3 daughters was worried when they started dating -- and was relieved when all the boys they brought home were pleasant and well mannered.

He felt good about this until he mentioned it to to one of this daughters.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
If the person who named walkie talkies named everything:

Stamp = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillator = Hearty Starty

Bumblebee - Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy Test - Maybe Baby
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
 
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