jokes bad or otherwise.
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barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A woman needed encouragement to keep pedalling the exercise bike in her gym.
So my friend, the gym manager, said, "Close your eyes and imagine you're riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting."
Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped.
"What's wrong?" asked my friend.
"The traffic light's red," she replied.
So my friend, the gym manager, said, "Close your eyes and imagine you're riding along Broadway in New York City. It will be more interesting."
Inspired, the woman cycled on, but after a minute she stopped.
"What's wrong?" asked my friend.
"The traffic light's red," she replied.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
"This is the Masterson diamond," she said. "It's beautiful, but there's a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Masterson."
He asked her about it.
"This is the Masterson diamond," she said. "It's beautiful, but there's a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Masterson."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
[An urban myth, but funny, nonetheless...]
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
A Nun is driving through town when a drunk steps out in front of her car , she breaks and gets out of the car to remonstrate with him . As she does he turns around and punches her , knocking her out uttering " Not so tough now Batman"
A Nun is driving through town when a drunk steps out in front of her car , she breaks and gets out of the car to remonstrate with him . As she does he turns around and punches her , knocking her out uttering " Not so tough now Batman"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
Two Nuns are driving along a dark country road when Dracula lands on the car bonnet .One Nun turns to the other and says " Quick Sister show him your cross" at which point the Nun winds down the window and shouts " Get of my $££%^ Car you Toothy "£$$%^"
Two Nuns are driving along a dark country road when Dracula lands on the car bonnet .One Nun turns to the other and says " Quick Sister show him your cross" at which point the Nun winds down the window and shouts " Get of my $££%^ Car you Toothy "£$$%^"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
One from I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue
John Hammond the man who was the leading purveyor of gunpowder in the UK recently died aged 93 . He put his longevity down to having a spoonful of gunpowder on his cereal every day . He left 10 children , 20 grand children , 40 great grand children ................... and a twenty foot hole in the crematorium roof!
One from I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue
John Hammond the man who was the leading purveyor of gunpowder in the UK recently died aged 93 . He put his longevity down to having a spoonful of gunpowder on his cereal every day . He left 10 children , 20 grand children , 40 great grand children ................... and a twenty foot hole in the crematorium roof!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
two cannibals sat down to lunch one turns to the other and says " You know what I just cannot stand my mother in law " and the other said " well put her to one side and just eat that mash and peas " :me:
two cannibals sat down to lunch one turns to the other and says " You know what I just cannot stand my mother in law " and the other said " well put her to one side and just eat that mash and peas " :me:
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
An Irishman took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roadshow . The experts said " Ah yes I can tell you they are Victorian , mounted by the Scott Brothers well known for stuffing animals during that time . I'm afraid they are a little ragged around the edges , do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition ? " . " Sticks ? " replies the Irishman.
An Irishman took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roadshow . The experts said " Ah yes I can tell you they are Victorian , mounted by the Scott Brothers well known for stuffing animals during that time . I'm afraid they are a little ragged around the edges , do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition ? " . " Sticks ? " replies the Irishman.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
A magician is working on a Cruise ship and because the passengers change every week he simply did the same tricks week in , week out . The ship's Captain had a parrot which watched the magician and worked out how the tricks were done . Soon the parrot used to shout out comments that gave the game away " why are all the cards Aces, why have you hidden the bunch of flowers under the table , that hats not the same hat " . The magician was absolutely fuming .
Well the ship sank and the Magician and Parrot survived by clinging to the same piece of wood . They spent the next few days clinging on and glaring at each other until the parrot piped up " £$%&£ good trick , I give up , where have you hidden the boat"
A magician is working on a Cruise ship and because the passengers change every week he simply did the same tricks week in , week out . The ship's Captain had a parrot which watched the magician and worked out how the tricks were done . Soon the parrot used to shout out comments that gave the game away " why are all the cards Aces, why have you hidden the bunch of flowers under the table , that hats not the same hat " . The magician was absolutely fuming .
Well the ship sank and the Magician and Parrot survived by clinging to the same piece of wood . They spent the next few days clinging on and glaring at each other until the parrot piped up " £$%&£ good trick , I give up , where have you hidden the boat"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A man keeps having horrible paranoid feelings that someone was hiding under his bed.
He finally goes to a psychiatrist. He tells the doctor that he just knows there is someone hiding under his bed at night. He says that whenever he gets the courage to look under the bed, he doesn't see anyone, but feels the person has probably climbed on top of the bed. So, while he's never seen the person, he knows he is there.
The psychiatrist says, "This sounds like a very deep-seated problem. It'll probably take some intense therapeutic sessions, at least once or twice a week for a year or two to resolve the matter."
The man said, "How much will this cost?"
The doc says, "$150 per session."
The man gulps and says, "Doc, let me think about it."
A couple of weeks later the man bumps into the doctor on the sidewalk and says, "Hey, doc. Good news! I'm cured, and it only cost me $10."
The psychiatrist was stunned and asked, "That's amazing. How is that possible?"
The man says, "I was telling my ol' granny about my problem and she said, "Why, honey, just cut the legs off the bed!"
He finally goes to a psychiatrist. He tells the doctor that he just knows there is someone hiding under his bed at night. He says that whenever he gets the courage to look under the bed, he doesn't see anyone, but feels the person has probably climbed on top of the bed. So, while he's never seen the person, he knows he is there.
The psychiatrist says, "This sounds like a very deep-seated problem. It'll probably take some intense therapeutic sessions, at least once or twice a week for a year or two to resolve the matter."
The man said, "How much will this cost?"
The doc says, "$150 per session."
The man gulps and says, "Doc, let me think about it."
A couple of weeks later the man bumps into the doctor on the sidewalk and says, "Hey, doc. Good news! I'm cured, and it only cost me $10."
The psychiatrist was stunned and asked, "That's amazing. How is that possible?"
The man says, "I was telling my ol' granny about my problem and she said, "Why, honey, just cut the legs off the bed!"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson hold me I needed a tonsillectomy.
Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak.
The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."
"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "Please continue."
"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"
Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak.
The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."
"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "Please continue."
"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"