jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
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barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"
She replied, "No just up to my chin."
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"
She replied, "No just up to my chin."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
A very young couple are on their honeymoon , they've changed for bed at which point the bride says " From this day on we should not have any secrets, I have one big one to tell you " to which the bridegroom says "I also have one to tell you " . Please go first my husband at which point the bridegroom says " From a very early age I have had problems with my feet they really do smell awful" . At which point the bride moves forward kisses the bridegroom and says " I understand darling I'm sure we can get something to help at the Chemist , shall I tell you mine? " at which point the bridegroom says " No my love I already know you have been chewing my socks!":me:
A very young couple are on their honeymoon , they've changed for bed at which point the bride says " From this day on we should not have any secrets, I have one big one to tell you " to which the bridegroom says "I also have one to tell you " . Please go first my husband at which point the bridegroom says " From a very early age I have had problems with my feet they really do smell awful" . At which point the bride moves forward kisses the bridegroom and says " I understand darling I'm sure we can get something to help at the Chemist , shall I tell you mine? " at which point the bridegroom says " No my love I already know you have been chewing my socks!":me:
Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said,
'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For £10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streakthrough that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a £10.00 note.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering,
clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked Evelyn.
'I won £1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement!'
'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For £10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streakthrough that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a £10.00 note.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering,
clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked Evelyn.
'I won £1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement!'
Forgive concluding bad language but reminds me of one I posted before:
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark ... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Center: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Center: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Center: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Center: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Reminds me of the lighthouse/Navy ship story still doing the rounds on the internet. I think this tale has been well and truly debunked by now. Good yarn though.
This will set the cat amongst the pigeons:
After WWII the US navy surpassed the Royal Navy to become the world's largest.
A US warship encountered a British one the same day this was announced and sent the following signal:.....
"What's it like to be in the world's 2nd biggest Navy ?"
To which the RN response was
"Fine thank you....what's it like to be in the world's second best ?"
After WWII the US navy surpassed the Royal Navy to become the world's largest.
A US warship encountered a British one the same day this was announced and sent the following signal:.....
"What's it like to be in the world's 2nd biggest Navy ?"
To which the RN response was
"Fine thank you....what's it like to be in the world's second best ?"
