jokes bad or otherwise.

A man appeared at the door and announced, "Ma'am, I'm the piano tuner."

"I didn't call for a tuner," the pianist said.

"I know, lady," the man said. "Your neighbour did."
 
Older gent: "Doc, I got aches and pains all over! Can you fix me?"

Doctor: "You're in excellent shape for 90! I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger."

Older gent: "Who asked you to make me younger? Just make sure I get older!"
 
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He signals to the usher and says, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip."

So, the usher moves him to the center of the third row, and the man, after a high five, hands the usher a twenty p coin.

The usher looks at the coin in his hand, smiles, leans over, and quietly whispers, "The wife did it."
 
Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key, which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."

"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in."

So Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."

"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"
 
Three old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, " I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The second old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old
guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing
golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but
what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get
in the golf cart and ride to it."
 
One from across the AAtlantic

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.

As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
 
Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
 
A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. It's up to you, sync or swim."
 
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
 
There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other assignments.

There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.

A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for an inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in.

In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"

And this is not so far from the truth in certain Colleges in the 1960s when I was a student
 
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light."
 
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
 
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for way back in 2000."

"You mean a brand-new Mercedes?" she asked eagerly.

"No," he replies, "a 2000 Mercedes."
 
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, at the end of the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular.
 
First guy: "I'm really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask."

Second guy: "What kind of question?"

First guy: "She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly."

Second guy: "That's easy. You just say, 'Of course I will.'"

First guy: "Yeah, that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
 
So this guy took his wife on a fishing trip, and she did everything wrong.

First, she kept talking out loud; everybody know that scares the fish away!

Then she used the wrong bait.

And then she was reeling in the line too soon.

But worst of all, she caught a lot more fish than he did!
 
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