jokes bad or otherwise.

You know you're getting old when you come to the annoying realisation that your parents were right about almost everything.
 
A man from Poland goes to the opthalmic optician. THe is shown the chart, and the final line in very small print says:

C Z W X N Q S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

The Pole replies, "Read it? I know the guy!"
 
A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a heating engineer as there was a fault. . After a quick inspection the man made a minor adjustment and handed her a £100 bill for
labour.

"Labour charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."

He explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on
every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labour," the lady responded, and she
handed him a rake. The engineer spent the next 55 minutes in her yard
bagging leaves.
 
Two Norman soldiers were relaxing after the Battle of Hastings in 1066.

"What a battle! What a victory! Someday children will read about this battle as a turning point of history...and we were here!"

"Perhaps," said the other soldier, "But I think they will be shielded from most of the details."

"Why?" the first soldier asked.

The other soldier shook his head and replied, "Too much Saxon violence."
 
A researcher asked me how old I was on my last birthday,
"I don't know, " I said, " I haven't died yet. "
 
"Let people know where you're going" my driving examiner said as we approached a roundabout.
"OK" I replied, as I quickly updated my Facebook status.
 
Mrs. Baker, a fifth grade teacher, observed a student in her class during a True/False test, flipping a coin and then choosing an answer.

Mrs. Baker thought to herself, "Hah! Norman didn't study again."

This answer selection method continued throughout the entire test.

After Norman was obviously finished, Mrs. Baker again watched Norman flipping the coin and continuing through the test a second time.

"Norman, what are you doing now?" asked Mrs. Baker.

Norman replied, "I'm doing what you always tell us to do! I'm checking my answers!"
 
Times are tough. The National Levitation Society went out of business because they couldn't raise money.
 
I went to the library and asked for a book about tortoises.
"It's over there," said the Librarian, "In the Hard Back section."
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. The pain is only for others.
It's the same thing when you are stupid.
 
Don't argue with a florisr over whether to use roses or tulips etc in a bouquet
They are usually friendly people, but aren't afraid of resorting to violets
 
Reminds me of a rugby tour in Wales where we turned out to play and found that, far from being the guys we had been drinking with the night before, we were facing a XV of total strangers.

pe140810_zps8e57fb40.jpg
 
A man goes to the Doctor. He said "Doc every time I attempt to pass water it hurts"
"Does it burn?" asks the Doctor
"I don't know, I've never tried to set fire to it"
 
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