jokes bad or otherwise.

My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I told him, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. May I just wave?"
 
Anyone saying "Love is more important than money" have clearly never tried paying off a loanshark with a hug.
 
A man and his blonde girlfriend were sitting in a pub watching the Tour-de France on TV.
The blonde shook her head and asked, "Why do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked the man.
"Go on them bikes for miles, up and down the hills, round the bends. Day
after day, week after week. No matter if what the weather? .. .. ..
why would they torture themselves like that?"
"It's all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?
"Yeah, I understand that." said the blonde, "But why do all the others do it?"
 
Fed up with my poor attempts at DIY, my wife used to say "Duct tape doesn't fix everything you know!"
Then she says "mmfff nnmmm nnnmm fffmmm mmmm!"
 
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
 
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake.
Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.
 
An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir."
 
My mate said to his wife, "The woman next door thinks I have charisma."
She replied, "Didn't you tell her you sold that months ago and bought a Ford Mondeo?"
 
My doctor told me that exercising can add years to your life.
It really works. I jogged one mile today and now I feel like I'm eighty years old.
 
I can't believe how stupid sardines are.
They lock themselves in tins and then leave the key on the outside.
 
On our wedding anniversary I bought my wife a litre of engine oil and a token for a premium car wash.
She hated the flowers I got from the petrol station last year so this year I decided to get her something useful.
 
A policeman stopped me today.
As I stepped out of the car he said, "Sir, what did the big sign say back there?"
"Children, Slow Down." I replied.
"So why didn't you?" he asked.
I said, "Because I'm 32."
 
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
 
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