jokes bad or otherwise.

If Vladimir Putin is reading this, Justin Bieber and One Direction were just singing nasty songs about you.
 
I placed a Fruit Pastille in my mouth without chewing it, I won an audience with a fair lady.
It wasn't as good as An Audience With Billy Connolly
 
Late one night, an airhead saw a sign on an office building. It said: "Press bell for night watchman." So the airhead pressed the bell.

After several minutes the night watchman could be heard clomping down the stairs. He unlocked the gate, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the airhead, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't press the bell yourself."
 
When I was little, my dad had me convinced the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played, dad, well played.
 
I was driving my lorry back to the UK from France when I was stopped by a customs officer.
"Are you carrying anything on board that you shouldn't be?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
"Right," he said, "So you don't have any cigarettes?"
"No," I replied again, as he opened the shutter.
"What about these?" he said, smiling at me.
"I'm not sure," I replied, staring at the 120 illegal immigrants in the back, "Do any of you have cigarettes?"
 
During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that
an Employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and Said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at Least one capital."
 
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
 
Gandalf once said:
"A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to"
I didn't know Royal Mail employed so many wizards
 
A virulent strain of bovine Norovirus has broken out in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo-sick.
 
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"
 
maltrab said:
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Click to expand...
;D ;D ;D
 
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