jokes bad or otherwise.

The results are in from the sailing. Britain have taken gold, Denmark have taken silver, and the Somalians took a middle aged couple from Weymouth
 
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss something."
I tried it this morning and missed my bus.
 
I had not seen my cousin for a while until Today.We had a lot of catching up to do, but immediately I saw she had put on weight. She then stroked her hair. She said : "I'm going to diet". I then said "What colour?" ;D
 
A former sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

But just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.

He had no trouble with discipline the rest of the year.
 
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the game warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of a cave. The game warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the game warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' licence, boy!" the warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing licence.

"Well, son," said the game warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid licence!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend has not got one!"
 
The town's fire marshall was conducting a health and safety course at the senior centre.

He asked Mrs. Frobisher, "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Mrs. Frobisher answered, "Really big ones."
 
Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Very interested, her mother asks, "How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. And Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"Yes it is! I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
 
JACK (age 3 )was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
 
I said to the barman, "If my wife calls, tell her I'm not here."
Probably would have worked better if he wasn't answering my mobile.
 
My wife said, "What are you doing today?"
I said, "Nothing."
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I didn't finish."
 
I picked up the board game Trivial Pursuit in a shop yesterday.
As I put £1000 down on the counter, the cashier looked at me and said, "Sorry sir, but this money is only for Monopoly."
"Oh right," I said, putting it back onto the shelf, "Do you have Monopoly in stock?"
 
I just heard a horrifying scream coming from my ventriloquist mates kitchen.
He was using his puppet as an oven glove!
 
It started raining like mad so I thought I'd go into my local pub to stay dry.
Got a little bit wet walking there from my house though.
 
It's been two days since Curiosity landed on Mars.
Cats of the world have rejoiced and can sleep with both eyes closed, safe in the knowledge that the notorious serial killer can't touch them for a while.
 
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