jokes bad or otherwise.

Hi, Did you see what happened at the Olympic Sailing.
Great Britain took the Gold,

Denmark took the Silver

Somalia took the Boat!
 
I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.
 
Had far too many drinks last night with the lads and they shaved my eyebrows off...
Imagine the look of surprise on my face this morning.
 
My kids are always talking about
running away from home. I think its a
great idea. I'm packing my bags right
now.
 
I was in the Chinese Take-away last night, I said to the owner.
"Your lot did well at the Olympics then."
"I know, we wasn't far behind the Chinese." he replied.
 
My neighbour upset his wife last night, he told her "You look just like the girl from the Olympics !" She said "You mean Jessica Ennis?" "No, the Samoan shotputter!!" he replied. ;)
 
I said to my mother this morning - 'I need a new magic kit!'
She said 'What's the magic word?'
I said 'Abracadabra!' ;D
 
"I'm going to pay for this in the morning," I slurred after drinking a bottle of whiskey.
"No you're not," said the shop keeper.
 
The government recommends you eat five portions of Fruit and Veg per day.

I've had my five a day, 5 different flavoured fruit pastilles - 25% fruit! ;D
 
When I was just a little boy, I aked my mother what will I be?

Will I be famous? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me...

"Shut up, Eastenders is on."
 
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night and I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPhone."

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!
 
During a difficult physics lecture, a pre-med student interrupted: "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded firmly, and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again: "So, how exactly does physics save lives?"

The prof replied, "It keeps the idiots out of medical school."
 
So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from a little bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."
 
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top