jokes bad or otherwise.

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I think my wife's going deaf"
The doctor says"When your wife is in the kitchen stand 15ft behind
and speak to her, if she doesn't answer keep moving closer til she
hears you."
He goes home and sees his wife making dinner. He stands 15ft behind
her and says, "What's for dinner ?
He gets no reply, so he moves closer and closer asks again. Still
no reply.
Finally he's right behind her and says, "What's for dinner?" She replies,
"For the 4th time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
 
2 little brothers decide it's time they tried swearing.".The older
one says "When we go for breakfast, I'll say something with hell and
you say something with ass."
Their mum asks the older boy what he wants he replies, "Oh hell, I'll
have some Cheerios.". His Mum smacks him and locks him in his room
.She looks at the younger boy and asks "And what do YOU want for
breakfast?" "I don't know," he says, "but you can bet your fat ass
it won't be Cheerios."
 
A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.
 
Two cannibals, a father and son, went into the jungle to find food.An
old man passed and the father said,'Not him he's too skinny'.
Then a fat man passed,'No not him we'll all have a heart attack if
we ate him.'
Then a beautful woman passed.'what about her dad' said the boy 'there's
nothing wrong with her'.
'No' said the dad 'we're going to take her back with us and eat your
mother.'
 
A man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl said "I should have mentioned
this earlier, but I'm a hooker and I charge £20 for sex." The man
paid her, and they did their thing.
Afterwards the man just sat looking out the window. "Why aren't we
going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is £25..."
 
An old couple go to a memory class where they learn to remember things
by association.
The old man was talking to his neighbour about how much the class
helped him.
"What was the name of the instructor?" asked the neighbour.
The old man thinks for a while and says "You know that flower that
smells nice but has thorns?"
"A rose?" said the neighbour.
"That's it," said the old man. He then turned and shouted, "Hey, Rose,
what's the name of the Instructor?"
 
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young
man asks him what's wrong.
The old man says, "I'm rich, I have a mansion and I just married a
beautiful girl who satisfies me every night in bed."
The young man says, "You have everything why are you crying?
The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
 
A blind man is waiting with his guide dog to cross the road when his
dog pees on him. He takes a treat and gives it to the dog.A passer-by
says 'Your dog just peed on you?" "I'm trying to teach him it's naughty",
replies the blind man."You're not going to teach him by giving him
a treat!" said the man The blind man replied,"I'm not rewarding him.
I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his a**e!"
 
Before you criticise somebody,walk a mile in their shoes.That way
when you criticise them you are a mile away and you have their shoes
 
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I got fed up with old ladies coming up to me at weddings,poking me
in the ribs and cackling "You're next".
They stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.
 
A man walked up to a beautiful woman in a supermarket and said "Excuse
me,I can't find my wife.Can I talk to you for a few minutes?" "Why?"
asked the woman."Because," said the man "as soon as I start talking
to a beautiful woman,my wife appears."
 
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