jokes bad or otherwise.

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A sad-faced man walked into a florists.
The florist asked if she could help on this sad occasion.The man asked
for a bouquet of flowers to be sent to his wife for their anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" she asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
 
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, love," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." Love," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
 
An elderly man went to confession:
“I'm 92,I've been married for 70 years, I've got 6 kids,grandkids
and 7 great grandkids.
“Yesterday I picked up two teenage girls. We went to a motel, where
I had sex with each of them 3 times.”
The priest asked: “Are you sorry for your sins?” The man replied:
“What sins?”
The priest says: “What kind of a Catholic are you?” and the man replied
: “I’m Jewish.”
So the priest said: “So why are you telling me all this?”
The man smiled: “Hell ... I’m telling EVERYBODY.”
 
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
 
A wife said to her husband 'It's my birthday tomorrow,I expect to see my present on the driveway wrapped and ready for me,and it had better go from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds or your in trouble.Next morning there it was sitting on the driveway.She rushed out unwrapped it and found a set of scales.The husband has not been seen since.
 
It was Jim's birthday, so, to liven him up a bit, his friends decided
to give him something special for his birthday. So they bought him
a hooker.
She went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered,
she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super sex," she said.
So Jim replied "Well, I'm 85 years old so I'll have the soup."
 
2 strangers,a man and a woman share a carriage on a sleeper train. On the first night they both settled down for bed. After about an hour the woman felt cold and leaned over the top bunk and said to the man "I'm cold, would you please get me another blanket?" The man replied "let's just pretend we're married for this one night." The woman thought for a moment and then decided that it wouldn't hurt so she agreed. To which the man smiled and then replied "Well then, go get your own damn blanket!"
 
After a heavy night of drinking a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional box. There, the priest waits for the man to confess. After a few minutes of silence, the priest taps on the window... nothing. The priest taps again.. still nothing. Then the priest loses his temper and bangs on the window. Finally the dunk yells out... "It's no use knocking, there's no paper in here either!"
 
2 statues, 1 male,1 female had been in a park for 100 years when an
angel comes down and brings them to life.
The angel says "For being so patient you have been given 30 minutes
to do what you want."
They run into the bushes.After 15 minutes, they return, out of breath and
laughing.
The angel says, "You still have 15 minutes left, do you want to do
it again?"
The male replies, "Oh, yes,but this time I'll hold the pigeon down
and you can poop on its head"
 
Two brothers decide to go to America.After years saving they arrive
in New York and decide to see the sights.As they walk along they
see their first hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having
an American hot dog would be a good idea, they decide to try one.
So they sit on a nearby bench to enjoy a piece of Americana. The first
brother opens the wrapper, looks at his hot dog and suddenly wraps
it back up. He then turns to his brother and says, "What part of the
dog did you get?"
 
God was sitting in heaven when a scientist said "God, we don't need
you anymore. Science has found a way to create life out of nothing.We
can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can
take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into
it, thus creating man."
"That's very interesting" said God " show me."
The scientist bends down and starts to mold the soil into the shape
of a man. "No.." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
 
The husband decided he should bring his family into the 21st century, so

He bought the oldest son a I-phone
The Youngest son a I-pod
He bought himself a I-pad
And bought his wife a I-ron
 
How you know you're getting old;
First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
 
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