jokes bad or otherwise.

An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a Degas, and a few other paintings.

Everything was going perfectly when the van stopped and he was captured sitting with the paintings only 2 streets from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!

When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!" :fp:
 
Pierre the labourer is on his way up to the roof on a ladder carrying a big bundle of slates.

On his way up Fred the roofer slipped and pushed a bundle of slates down on Pierre . It clipped the side of his head, slicing off his ear. Everyone on the building site help him to look for his ear on the ground near the House . One guy finally hollers “Found it !! ”. Pierre runs up in anticipation of getting it to take to the Hospital and have it stitched on . As he reaches the guy he is suddenly crestfallen , “No, No, mon ami...it is not mine , my ear had a pencil behind it” :08:
 
So a couple of farmers are standing around talking.

One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. "

"Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbours cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."
 
Three guys who embellish the truth are talking to each other one night in a bar.

The first one said, "I once was in the woods, and 4 lions came to me, and I had one gun, one bullet and one steel plate, so I tossed the plate in the air, shot the plate, broke it into 4 pieces and each piece pierced the lions and they died"

The second one said, "Me too, but there were only 2 lions and I had no plate, so I pulled a hair from my head, tossed it in the air, shot it, got in half, and each half killed a lion".

The third one said, "Me too, but there was only one lion and I had nothing else but the bullet and the gun, so I shot, missed and got eaten". :fp:
 
A young, poor boy approaches a Cheesemaker.

"Sir, I am very hungry. I am willing to clean your entire cheese shop for a pound of cheddar. "

The Cheesemaker thinks for a moment, decides, and nods. "Forthwith!"

The little boy grabs a broom and vigilantly begins cleaning. r>
At the end of the day, the little boy shows the Cheesemaker his fine work. The Cheesemaker, approving of the poor boy's efforts, hands him a pound of Swiss cheese.

"But I said I would clean your shop for a pound of cheddar!" protested the boy.

And the cCheesemaker replies, "And I Thaid for Thwith." :08::fp:
 
Three old ladies were sitting at a table playing cards and talking about their Anniversaries...

Doris: My husband bought me this beautiful diamond necklace

Mavis: Ooh pretty

Jean: Well isn't that nice

Mavis: Well my husband bought me this stunning bracelet

Doris: beautiful

Jean: Well isn't that nice

Doris: Well what did your husband buy you?

Jean: My husband bought me etiquette lessons so now when I want to say "@£$% you" I just say "Well isn't that nice"
 
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