jokes bad or otherwise.
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captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A faithful old wine taster sadly passes away and so the Winery decides to advertise the role and invites people to attend an interview.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look comes along to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
" Wow That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...??
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
"Correct."
A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look comes along to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
" Wow That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...??
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
"Correct."
A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to get married so he could share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to get married so he could share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man goes to his Doctors because he thinks he has a Tapeworm .
The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.
The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.
The doctor then says to him: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The man is very confused but does as he’s told.
The patient and the doctor repeat this process for 5 days. On the sixth day, the doctor tells the patient: Tomorrow bring two bananas but instead of a Snickers bar, bring a mallet. The patient is again confused but does as he’s told.
The next day the doctor inserts both bananas up the guy’s butt and quickly grabs the mallet and waits.
All of the sudden, the tapeworm pops out saying : Hey! Where’s my Snickers bar?
WHAM!!!!
The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.
The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.
The doctor then says to him: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The man is very confused but does as he’s told.
The patient and the doctor repeat this process for 5 days. On the sixth day, the doctor tells the patient: Tomorrow bring two bananas but instead of a Snickers bar, bring a mallet. The patient is again confused but does as he’s told.
The next day the doctor inserts both bananas up the guy’s butt and quickly grabs the mallet and waits.
All of the sudden, the tapeworm pops out saying : Hey! Where’s my Snickers bar?
WHAM!!!!
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
Did you know you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over?
That makes it cap-sized.
That makes it cap-sized.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Hollywood organised a huge costume party for the stars , Tom Hardy , Owen Wilson and Arnold Schwarzenneger were all asked who they would come as .
Tom Hardy stated "I'll be Beethoven"
Owen Wilson stated "I'll be Mozart"
Arnie stated "I'll be Bach!" .............. groan
Tom Hardy stated "I'll be Beethoven"
Owen Wilson stated "I'll be Mozart"
Arnie stated "I'll be Bach!" .............. groan
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A group of Chess players checked into a Hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office really angry, and asked them to go somewhere else in the Hotel.
'Why??' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because, I can't stand Chess-nuts boasting in an Open Foyer.'
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office really angry, and asked them to go somewhere else in the Hotel.
'Why??' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because, I can't stand Chess-nuts boasting in an Open Foyer.'
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language and bad behaviour of the workers there and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk to them about goodness, kindness and God. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"Hello brothers, do you men know Jesus Christ?
They shook their heads and looked at each other .. very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk to them about goodness, kindness and God. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"Hello brothers, do you men know Jesus Christ?
They shook their heads and looked at each other .. very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch.
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Because they lactose.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
The Manager of the local Boots the Chemist walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The Manager asks his assistant, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The Assistant says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah I'm stupid aren't I ! Look at him, he's so afraid to cough!"
The Manager asks his assistant, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The Assistant says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah I'm stupid aren't I ! Look at him, he's so afraid to cough!"
Peripheral
Dedicated Member
This reminds me of the funeral procession that was going up a steep hill when the back door of the hearse burst open and the coffin slid out and careered down the hill. The top came off and the corpse slid into a chemist shop while the coffin carried on sliding down the hill. The nearsighted assistant looked at the corpse and said, "Can I help you sir?". To which the corpse replied, "have you got anything to stop mi coffin?"
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
What kind of furniture can you eat? A vege-table!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A guy is poaching on the River and he has a bucket full of live rainbow trout when he is approached by the local Gamekeeper.
The gamekeeper asks the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”
“No you can't,” replied the man. “I don’t need a license these are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish!?!?”
“Yes. Once a week, I bring the fish to the River and let them swim around for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take them home in the bucket of water.”
“What a load of rubbish you're poaching and you’re under arrest.”
The Man says , “ Sir , it’s the truth , I’ll show you ! I do this all the time!!”
“Do you now?” smirked the Gamekeeper . “PROVE it!”
The Man released the fish into the River and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the Gamekeeper said, “Well?”
“Well, WHAT?”the man said.
The Gamekeeper asked, “When are you going to Whistle and get them back in the bucket?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the Gamekeeper
“What fish?” asked the Man.
The gamekeeper asks the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”
“No you can't,” replied the man. “I don’t need a license these are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish!?!?”
“Yes. Once a week, I bring the fish to the River and let them swim around for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take them home in the bucket of water.”
“What a load of rubbish you're poaching and you’re under arrest.”
The Man says , “ Sir , it’s the truth , I’ll show you ! I do this all the time!!”
“Do you now?” smirked the Gamekeeper . “PROVE it!”
The Man released the fish into the River and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the Gamekeeper said, “Well?”
“Well, WHAT?”the man said.
The Gamekeeper asked, “When are you going to Whistle and get them back in the bucket?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the Gamekeeper
“What fish?” asked the Man.