jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money.
So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handy woman.

She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door.
She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, "Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want?" Julie said she felt £50 was fair. He replied, "OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage."

When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, "£50?!? Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it."

About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there. She tells him that she's done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats.

As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, "Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porsche It's a Ferrari!!!" :13::30:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know"..he said 'Holy Cow! A talking pig!'"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Well a Chinese gentleman came to visit America. He walks by a Choir practising who happen to be warming up before singing a song and he hears them recite "Memememe" , he thinks I'll fit in here and so he starts saying "Memememe".

He then passes by a Restaurant called Forks and Knives so he starts saying "Memememe, Forks and Knives Forks and Knives."

He then walks by a candy store called Because he stole my lollipop. So he starts saying "Memememe forks and knives forks and knives because he stole my lollipop."

He then passes by a radio that's playing "Plug it in" so he starts saying "Memememe forks and knives forks and knives because he stole my lollipop plug it in plug it in."

As it happens he spots a guy lying dead on the pavement across the street . The Police arrive and starting asking "Who killed this man?"

The Chinese Man replies "Memememe!" "What did you kill him with?" the Police ask "Forks and knives Forks and knives!" They then ask him "Why did you kill him?" Because he stole my lollipop!" The Police have no choice and arrest the Chinese Man they tell him "Whe're going to have to put you in the electric chair!" he replies "Plug it in Plug it in!"
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer, and I need some new business" the man replies.
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from London , went on a business trip to Barbados.
He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mis-typed the email address , and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher whose Husband had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived by her brother, there to comfort her for her loss , she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Fisherman and his wife have two children but the issue was they had no idea what to name them.

No name sounded about right, but one day they realised that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.

So they decide to name their kids Towards and Away, and as the kids grew up, they always still faced towards and away from the sea when they’re not doing something.

Now when they hit thirteen, their dad decides it’s about time they learned the family business, so they packed food and water and went out to sea on their boat.

After about three hours the fisherman’s wife starts to get worried, as they should’ve been back by now. “They probably just found a good spot, and are reluctant to leave,” she says to herself. But for the NEXT three hours she starts to panic.

Eventually, the boat came back, but only held the fisherman. He was sobbing, and when he reached her, he told her what happened.

“We got caught in a storm, and as the boat tipped a huge fish leapt out of the water. Towards was so scared he ended up falling overboard and drowning .” The fisherman’s wife was in tears at hearing the loss of her son. “That must’ve been a huge fish.”

The fisherman nodded. “Huge !! You should’ve seen the one that got Away!” .................... groan:fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and particularly his pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he clarified , "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.


After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" :eek::08:
 
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