jokes bad or otherwise.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape.

So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
 
Max: "Are you a lawyer?

Fred: "Yes, I am."

Max: "How much do you charge?"

Fred: "Four hundred dollars for four questions."

Max: "Isn't that terribly expensive?"

Fred: "Yes, it is. What's your fourth question?"
 
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get FOUR for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.

The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
 
Ted was struggling with his golf game so he enlisted the help of Bob, the club pro.

After observing Ted's game through nine holes, Bob said, "I think I know your primary problem."

Ted was eager for some answers: "What is it?" he asked.

Bob replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you hit it."
 
A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."
 
A married couple go to donate blood. As part of the pre-screening process, an elderly volunteer asks them a few questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the volunteer asks the husband.
The husband glances wearily over at his wife who is trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children screaming and running around the building.
"Oh yes", he sighs. "Every time."
 
My mate and his wife are going to a Royal family themed fancy dress party tonight.
She's going dressed as a Nazi and he's going as an ironing board with two aspirins glued on the front.
 
A thief broke into my house and started searching for money
I ended up looking with him, neither of us had any luck.
 
My mate Warren is writing a book about the life and times of Leo Tolstoy.
It's going to be called:
Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace.
 
"Pull them down a bit," said my wife, "You look like Simon Cowell."
"Don't tell me what to do," I replied, "I wear the trousers around ear."
 
It hasnt stopped raining here and the roads are flooded. I always knew that speedboat I won on Bullseye in 1983 would come in useful one day
 
I told my boss I was handing in my gun and badge today.
He said. "You're only a lollypop man, why the hell have you got a gun?"
 
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