jokes bad or otherwise.
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captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
The ruler of Hawaii lives in a traditionally built straw thatch style palace .His great passion in life was collecting thrones...
Anytime a local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The Monarch was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.
Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, never to be the same again.
Well, you know what they say. People in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones................... Groan!
Anytime a local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The Monarch was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.
Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, never to be the same again.
Well, you know what they say. People in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones................... Groan!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
An old man is at home on his deathbed. The doctors have given him only a couple of days to live and he no longer has even the strength to stand on his own.
He lays in bed, thinking back on his life - his children, his parents, and his beautiful wife of 55 years. As he lays there, remembering the good times, he begins to feel himself drifting to sleep for what would probably be the last time.
Just as his mind begins to wander into sleep, he suddenly gets drawn back out by a familiar smell. He quickly sits up in bed, trying to place this aroma. Invigorated by its scent, he musters all his strength and manages to lift himself up out of bed and over to his walker. He slowly walks through the house towards the fragrance, its familiarity boosting his strength with each step.
As he rounds the corner, he sees a large tray of freshly baked cookies - cookies his wife hasn't made in over a decade. He reaches out to grab one, and just as he's about to touch the top cookie, a hand swats his away from the plate.
He looks up to see his wife standing there, snarling at him. She says:
" Get your hands off them, those are for the funeral!"
He lays in bed, thinking back on his life - his children, his parents, and his beautiful wife of 55 years. As he lays there, remembering the good times, he begins to feel himself drifting to sleep for what would probably be the last time.
Just as his mind begins to wander into sleep, he suddenly gets drawn back out by a familiar smell. He quickly sits up in bed, trying to place this aroma. Invigorated by its scent, he musters all his strength and manages to lift himself up out of bed and over to his walker. He slowly walks through the house towards the fragrance, its familiarity boosting his strength with each step.
As he rounds the corner, he sees a large tray of freshly baked cookies - cookies his wife hasn't made in over a decade. He reaches out to grab one, and just as he's about to touch the top cookie, a hand swats his away from the plate.
He looks up to see his wife standing there, snarling at him. She says:
" Get your hands off them, those are for the funeral!"
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
SHOULD READ 20/210 HEINZ -SIGHTI accidentally splashed ketchup into my eyes.. I now have 20/20 Heinz vision .
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
A man went to the doctor and a short while after he had gone into the appointment, he returned to the reception carrying a chair. The receptionist stopped him and asked, "Where are you going with that chair?" The man told her, "The doctor told me to take a seat."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man had been hitchhiking for hours and not one car stopped so he went home . Contemplating his misfortune he decided it was a bad idea to wear Cargo Shorts when trying to get a lift and wondered where he could buy Carstop shorts
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.
One day, he asked Class 4A if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their dads
The Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson, quite enjoying himself while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little 'zero'. "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Ahh, right" said the children.
The next day, Freddie stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in one hole after I asked him the other question a few times ."
Hmmmm," Mr Dickson said, "How do you put 7 holes in one? Well, I'll be darned. I don't know how to do that. , did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Freddie , He asked me to tell you, "Take a flute and shove it up your ass"!
One day, he asked Class 4A if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their dads
The Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson, quite enjoying himself while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little 'zero'. "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Ahh, right" said the children.
The next day, Freddie stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in one hole after I asked him the other question a few times ."
Hmmmm," Mr Dickson said, "How do you put 7 holes in one? Well, I'll be darned. I don't know how to do that. , did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Freddie , He asked me to tell you, "Take a flute and shove it up your ass"!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins
After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God.
The Priest said " I'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever fells outside is God's. "
Next the Imam said "I'm going to draw a circle on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside is God's and whatever fell outside is mine to keep. "
After a few seconds the Rabbi said "I'm going to draw an equilateral triangle on the ground, then i will throw the pot in the air. Whatever God catches is his, whatever falls back to the ground is mine to keep. "
After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God.
The Priest said " I'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever fells outside is God's. "
Next the Imam said "I'm going to draw a circle on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside is God's and whatever fell outside is mine to keep. "
After a few seconds the Rabbi said "I'm going to draw an equilateral triangle on the ground, then i will throw the pot in the air. Whatever God catches is his, whatever falls back to the ground is mine to keep. "
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A hunter tries a new hunting spot in a beautiful and large forest,
"I'd be sure to find some deer in here" he thought to himself
After a few hours trying and failing to find any deer the hunter realized he's hopelessly lost. He decides the only way out is to get someone's attention. He aims and fires three times into the air to signal distress. No one comes.
About two hours later he tries again. No one comes again.
With a sense of dread the hunter thinks to himself "Oh bugger, It's getting dark and I've only got two arrows left"
"I'd be sure to find some deer in here" he thought to himself
After a few hours trying and failing to find any deer the hunter realized he's hopelessly lost. He decides the only way out is to get someone's attention. He aims and fires three times into the air to signal distress. No one comes.
About two hours later he tries again. No one comes again.
With a sense of dread the hunter thinks to himself "Oh bugger, It's getting dark and I've only got two arrows left"
Adrian Morris
Dedicated Member
A hunter who is three arrows short of a full quiver.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realises the he can benefit from
this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realised what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realises the he can benefit from
this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realised what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."