jokes bad or otherwise.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the "Klan". This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the "Klan." I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." :30::oops::08:
 
Daniel, an Irish Catholic goes to confession.

Daniel: Forgive me father, for I have sinned

Priest: Tell me son, what transgressions have you committed?

Daniel: I took liberties with a young lass without being married.

Priest: You'll tell me right now, who this young lady is.

Daniel: I'm sorry father, that would be un-gentlemanly of me to divulge her name.

Priest: Was it Mary-Elizabeth, The bakers Daughter?

Daniel: I'm sorry father, I just can't say.

Priest: Was it Susan, the Pub's owner daughter?

Daniel: Father, please. I don't want to embarrass anyone's daughter.

Priest: Surely then, it must be Colleen, the postmasters daughter?

Daniel: Father you can ask and ask. But I refuse to tell.

Priest: Alright then Daniel, and he gives him his penance .

As Daniel is walking out of church, his friend Michael asked him how it went. "Not too bad" says Daniel. "So, what did the priest give you"? To which Daniel replied, "10 hail Mary's, 10 Our Fathers and 3 really good leads".
 
Five Germans are crossing the border into Italy in an Audi Quatro when the border guard stops them and tells them to get out of the car . I'm sorry but one of you can travel no further , puzzled they ask why . Sorry but the car is a Quatro which is four and only four people can travel in it and there are five of you. The Germans are irate " What you talking about its the name of the car not how many people can be in it I have the paperwork that shows its a five seater ."

The Italian guard won't relent so the Germans demand that he fetch his Supervisor to sort it out now . The guard apologies but says " I'm sorry he can't come now he's trying to sort out two angry women in a Fiat Uno! " :tw::fp:
 
An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I've ever seen in my life. What sort of breed is it?"

The Aussie takes a long swig of his beer, puts down the glass, and says: "He is a long-nosed, short-eared, long-bodied, short-legged water-hound, and I'll have you know that he's the best darn fighter I've ever owned!"

The barman takes another long look and laughs. "I happen to own the toughest bulldog in the whole town, and he's never been beaten in a fight. I'll wager £1000 that my dog could beat that ugly mutt of yours any day of the week."

The Aussie takes the barman up on the bet and they bundle the two unfortunate creatures unceremoniously into the back room of the pub and pull the door shut. Immediately there is a frenzy of snarls, growls and yelps, followed by an eerie silence.

Grinning, the barman opens the door, keen to collect on his £1000 wager. To his dismay, his bulldog is lying dead in a pool of blood whilst the Aussie's four-legged companion lays in the middle of the room, casually chewing on the remains of the bulldog's left rear leg.

The barman shakes his head as he reaches into his back pocket and hands over a large roll of bank notes. "17 fights...", he mutters, "17 fights my dog has been in and he's never lost a single one until now. Who ever knew that such an odd-looking mutt as yours would be able to fight so well. What sort of breed did you say he was again?"

"He's a long-nosed, short-eared, long-bodied, short-legged water-hound," the Aussie grinned, "although up in far north Queensland where I come from we just call them Crocodiles." ;) :08:
 
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.

'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.'
 
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