jokes bad or otherwise.

Tell people you had an imaginary friend as a kid and they laugh
Yet tell them you have an imaginary wife and they look at you like you're some kind of weirdo.
And take away one of the place settings.
 
The Tesco Everyday Value lasagne is so horrible, the serving suggestion on the box is just a picture of it in a bin.
 
I was casually picking up a few trinkets from the shelves when I heard a voice behind me.
"Can I help you?"
"No thanks," I replied, "Just browsing."
"Look," he said, "Get out of my house now or I'm calling the police."
 
My wife had a massive chocolate eating session this afternoon.
When I got home she was lying on the sofa, all flaked out.
 
A surgeon has published a book on his technique of repairing spines using a pulp made from newsprint.
It's a paperback.
 
Big Unc said:
Young people have theirs,

now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help.



GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
Click to expand...
Oh My Dear Lord . . . too funny. I am stealing all of these.
 
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man, I hate this getting older stuff.
 
[size=18pt]Punography[/size]

If these don't make you g-r-o-a-n, nothing will!!!

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra ..

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
 
Wonga Unveils Record £63m Profits For 2012
All thanks to 82 year old Beverly who missed one payment on her £500 loan.
 
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