jokes bad or otherwise.

This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning.
"What have I done now?" I asked her.
"Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've only just woke up."
 
Jose Mourinho- "I'll walk if Chelsea don't win trophies."

Stephen Hawking- "I'll walk if Arsenal win trophies."
 
I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."
He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."
 
I was intrigued by this bit of Czech from a friend on Facebook - well, one word anyway. Guess which.

"Přátelé, hudba, čokoláda a sex jsou lék na všechno!!!"

Google translator gave me this:

"Friends, music, chocolate and sex are a cure for everything!!"

So, there you are. You all know one word in Czech.
 
Its amazing how quickly kids learn to drive, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher or vacuum cleaner!
 
I could hear the wife squealing. "Dave, Dave, come quick! There's this green thing running round the house."

"That'll be the hedge, love," I called back.
 
A salesman knocked on my door today.
"Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked.
I said, "My next door neighbour."
 
Stolen off the net

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
 
In a strongly worded statement the UN warns Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, if you use Chemical weapons again, we will be forced to hold another meeting.
 
When the pygmy cannibals began to soak me in vinegar, I thought "enough is enough."
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted at them.
 
Five year old son saying his prayers, finishes off with the usual 'amen'. After a brief pause asks his Mum, 'Is saying "amen" a bit like pressing the "Send" button?'
 
After bumping into David Attenborough earlier, I had to concede my wife was right.
The back garden grass really does need cutting.
 
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