jokes bad or otherwise.

My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with nostalgia.
It reminded of the time my first wife left me.........
 
My mate was out having a romantic dinner when his girlfriend said "I've been living with you for three years now, isn't there a question you want to ask me?"
"Yeah” he said,”when are you moving out?"
 
I was very surprised to find out this morning that my train was going to arrive on time for the first time in months,
So I eased up on the speed and pulled into the station 20 minutes late
 
Harsh things a woman can say to a naked bloke:
Wow...and your feet are so big.
I guess this makes me the early bird.
But it still works -right?
 
A man went into the doctor's office with a swollen nose.
"What happened?", asked the doctor.
"A bee sat on my nose" , he replied.
"So the bee stung you?"
"Oh no, it didn't have time. My wife killed it with a shovel."
 
George said:
A man went into the doctor's office with a swollen nose.
"What happened?", asked the doctor.
"A bee sat on my nose" , he replied.
"So the bee stung you?"
"Oh no, it didn't have time. My wife killed it with a shovel."
Click to expand...


Love it ;D
 
The recession is affecting the pharmaceutical industry.
A company that makes sleeping pills has seen its customers drop off.
A company that makes linctus can't get its debtors to cough up.
A company that makes triangular bandages is having to cut corners.
And a company that makes laxatives has gone into liquidation.
 
My mate told me his wife complained that he never took her out for anything to eat and drink,
So he says he took her out for tea and biscuits.
Apparently it was her first time as a blood donor.
 
If reincarnation exists I want to come back as a spider so I can finally hear a woman say "Oh My God...... It's HUGE!".
 
Mum: “What are getting grandma for her birthday?”
Boy: “A football”
Mum: “But your grandma doesn't play football”
Boy: “Well on my birthday she gave me books”
 
The Grim Reaper ordered a Sofa and Cushion set from Argos and warned the manager that his order must be delivered complete and to remember the consequences if there were any problems.
Two days later the Argos Manager gets a knock at the door and standing there was the Devil of Death himself who said " You forgot the Reaper Cushions".
 
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