jokes bad or otherwise.

"Dad, why do they call English the mother tongue?"
"Because when mothers are using it, no one else gets the chance to."
 
My mates wife is always complaining that he keeps putting his clothes
in her half of the wardrobe.
It's got so bad he's agreed to attend hanger management classes.
 
A group of youths drove past my neighbours house and pelted him with
tomatoes.
Police described the incident as a drive by fruiting.
 
I can't watch The Royal Wedding on TV on Friday...Unfortunately I have
to re-arrange the gravel on my driveway.
 
I was clearing out the attic the other day when I came across an old
painting and a violin that looked valuable
I took them to an antiques dealer who was amazed
He said " what you've got here is a van gogh, and a stradivarious.
Unfortunately, stradivarious couldn't paint, and van gogh made rubbish
violins.
 
George said:
I can't watch The Royal Wedding on TV on Friday...Unfortunately I have
to re-arrange the gravel on my driveway.
Click to expand...

I will lend a hand George I would hate you to miss it,if we both get stuck in we can get it done in 2-3 days
 
My friends had a go at me,saying that I'm too vain and need to change
my attitude. When I got home I took a long hard look at myself in
the mirror.
 
My son was so excited about getting a date.
He asked out the most beautiful girl in school today and she said
yes.
Now he says he just has to wait for her to be the last woman left
on Earth.
 
After I finished screwing in a light-bulb, I crossed the road and
walked into a bar. It was at that very moment that I realised my life
was nothing but a joke.
 
Me and my wife took our dog to the park.
After a few minutes of walking around we noticed that he had vanished.
My wife yelled, "Oh no, Oh no, Where is he? Where is he?"
I said, "Calm down, let's just split up".
She agreed, so I went home, packed my bags and now I'm at my mates
house.
 
My mate said when he was younger, he wanted to be a hairdresser.
He used to pretend he was one by standing in front of the mirror brushing
his hair with a microphone.
 
I could tell my parents hated me.
When they took me to the lake to go swimming, all the other kids were
skating.
 
I've just just written a song called 'Broken Alarm Clock Blues'. It
starts off...
'I woke up this afternoon'.
 
My mates Grandad died recently, about a week before he died, they
covered his back with lard.
After that he went down hill very quickly.
 
The weather forecaster said that next week would be a real taste of
summer.What a pity,I've really enjoyed the sunshine.
 
It's funny how those three little words can make a man go from deep sadness to uplifting joy,
"Hope You're Hungry."
 
I love how, in scary films, the person yells out, "Hello?"
As if the bad guy is gonna answer, "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want
a sandwich?"
 
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