jokes bad or otherwise.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as
he stepped out of the shower. "Love, what do you think the neighbours
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
 
Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to give you a hard time what have you done wrong?

A: Made the chain too long.
 
Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
 
I wish they wouldn't make those Viagra pills so big. One got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for 2 weeks.
 
"Kids are like Lego, lots of fun to make, but sooner or later, only end up messing up the house."
 
Fred had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was annoying and he couldn't take much more. One day he took his juice cup and poured it into a specimen cup .The nurse came in to check and looked at the specimen glass.She snickered, "we are a little cloudy today." He snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."
 
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"


After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.


The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"


"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
 
I hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?Apparently it fits right over her mouth
 
Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in here for?" The other says, "Circumcision." The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
 
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
 
A man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk."
The man asked, "Officer, are you sure I'm drunk?"
"Yes sir, I'm sure," said the copper.
Breathing a sigh of relief, the drunk said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
 
Would you mind wearing a paper bag on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
 
Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
 
Stress - the condition brought about by having to resist the temptation to beat the living daylights out of someone who richly deserves it.
 
Apple announced today that it has developed the iBoob, a breast implant that can store and play music. The developers are hailing this as a major social breakthrough, because woman are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 
Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single men have?
A: Palm Sunday
 
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