jokes bad or otherwise.

barmpot

LOTSW Fanatic
A guy hears a knock at the door.

He opens it up to find a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.

Five years go by.

One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail.

The snail says, "What the heck was that about?!"
 

barmpot

LOTSW Fanatic
A grandmother took her little grandson to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea!

The grandmother fell on her knees and cried to the heavens: "Please, Lord, return my grandson! Please! PLEASE!!!"

Lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the drenched child at her feet. She checked him over head to toe. He was fine!

The grandmother looked up to the heavens again and said sternly: "He had a hat."
 

barmpot

LOTSW Fanatic
The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. "Give me the full treatment," the man said. "I want to look good in the parade!"

After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Here's one for you married, or indeed those with a significant other, Dog owners on the site [especially you Peri as you have recently acquired one and you may wish to justify it in your own mind to combat any objections from the good lady]

1.The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

12. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

13. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.


:08::)
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
An old married couple are travelling to Australia for a month's holiday . Half way through the flight the Captain comes on the tannoy to announce that the engines have failed and that they will have to make an emergency landing however , they had found an uncharted island where they could land.

After ten minutes they land on the beach and the crew and passengers set off to look for supplies and shelter . The old couple Bill and Freda sit down on the shore to recover from the ordeal. Bill asks Freda " You know the Visa bill for £4000 that covers this holiday and the things we bought did you pay it? " "No Dear" Freda replies .

" You know that outstanding VAT bill we had from the Tax Man that we had to pay for the goods we sold in our business before we retired have you paid that ? " " No Dear" Freda replies at which Bill grabs Freda and kisses her amorously "Thank you Darling I know we are going to be saved they will definitely find us"
 
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