jokes bad or otherwise.

jokes bad or otherwise

David Beckham has a day off from football and decides to go Horse Riding . Although he has no experience he skillfully jumps on the horse and he is soon galloping along with Victoria admiringly looking on. As time goes on he gets a little casual and begins to lose his grip on the saddle , he frantically grabs the horse around the neck in a bid to stay on while Victoria screams for someone to help .

David soon slips off the saddle completely and is hanging on the horses neck ,the only thing stopping him from hitting his head on the ground. He decides his best chance is to leap to safety but his foot is now caught in the stirrup and his head is bouncing off the ground . Victoria makes one last hysterical plea for help as David slips into unconsciousness , finally help is at hand when the Security Guard from the Supermarket comes out and pulls the plug out. :me:
 
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder who screamed and nearly drove through a shop window!
The driver said" Please don't ever do that again , you scared the living daylights out of me!!

The passenger apologised and said that he did not think a tap on the shoulder could cause so much bother.
The taxi driver replied that he had been driving hearses for the last 25 years and the passenger had frightened him!! :13::12:






"
 
jokes bad or otherwise

An Irishman is on holiday in America when he meets up with two native Americans who decide to show him some of the Country . They are walking along when one of the native Americans runs off to a nearby Cave and shouts Wooo, Wooo , Wooo ! tears his clothes off and run into the Cave.

The Irishman is totally confused by this and asks the other Native American "Is he crazy , what's he doing" . The Native American explains that its an old Custom and when they scream Wooo, Wooo, Wooo in a Cave entrance if they get an answer back then they know there is a beautiful female Native American in there waiting for them.

They walk a few yards further when the second guy spots a Cave and repeats what the first guy did and disappears into the Cave.

Well the Irishman walks a little further when he comes across a Cave so he goes to the entrance and shouts Wooo, Wooo, Wooo ! the answer Wooo , Wooo, Wooo comes back so he takes his clothes off and runs into the Cave.

Next day in the local paper there's a headline "Naked Irishman tragically run over by the Amtrak Express "
 
jokes bad or otherwise

Two brothers 8 and 6 are talking upstairs in their room and the older one tell the younger one that he thinks it is about time they start swearing , the younger one agrees . The older one says " we are going to go down for breakfast , I'll swear first and then you swear after me " . They go downstairs and into the Kitchen where their mum asks what they want for breakfast . The 8 year old perks up and says "oh @3$5 I guess I'll have Coco Pops" at which point the mother cracks him across the head knocking him out of the chair , he picks himself up and runs upstairs crying . "Right" the mum says as she turns to the 6 year old what do you want? " I don't know but definitely not $%£"ing Coco Pops." comes the reply.:39:
 
A group were sat in the pub drinking. Suddenly a phone rings, a man picks it up and says hello.
A female voice asks "I'm in the jewellers and have seen a smashing ring, can I have it??I've got your credit card."
"Of course you can sweetheart " he replies.
"While you're in a good mood, I've seen that little sports car again can I have that too??"
" Anything sugar " he said "Can I speak to the estate agent about that large new house as well??"said the voice on the phone.
" As you wish darling!" and he hangs up.
He looks around the group and then says " Whose phone is this??" ::) ;D
 
old one...................
What's the difference between a newspaper and a T V.??

Try swatting a fly with the T V.:21: :me:
 
A man walks into a pub with a pork pie on his head. When the barman asked why he had this pork pie on his head ,he replied "It's a family tradition, we always have a pork pie on our heads on Tuesday!"

The barman said "Its Wednesday!" The man said " I must look a right fool!! ":12:
 
Another oldie..........
Why did the painting have to go to jail??
Because it was framed!! :me: ::)
 
jokes bad or otherwise

A bus driver is having a pint in a Blackpool bar and gets talking to the locals . They ask who he has brought down to the resort . " Well I brought a group of blind people down for the day and I have left them playing football on the Beach " . " Amazing , how do they do that " ask the locals. " Well its just a normal football with a bell inside so when it rings with their heightened sense of hearing they know where the ball is " . At that the pub door bursts open and a very angry man comes in and asks the driver " Are you the one who brought the blind people down here and left them playing football on the beach" . "Well yes " the driver replies . " You better come now to the beach and get them off there, they are kicking nine bells of S£$% out of my Donkeys!" :)
 
A plain Jane go's to have her fortune told. The fortune teller tells her that two men love her. Mark and Maurice.

" Who will be the lucky one? " she said "Who will I marry??"

" You will marry Maurice, Mark will be the lucky one!" replied the fortune teller. :me:
 
An elderly couple were sat at breakfast. The man said "If I go first to meet my maker, I don't want you to be alone too long. In fact you could do worse than marry Bill at the greengrocers or Colin at the chemist!"

" Don't you worry about that !" she said "I've already made my own arrangements!" ;D :me:
 
Sam worked in a marketing company, one day he walked into his bosses office. " I realise that the economy is a bit grim but I have 3 company's after me and I have to ask for a raise.!"

After some haggling the boss agreed to a 5% raise. Sam smiling, got up to walk out. "By the way" said his boss "Which companies are after you?"
"Water, electric and gas and phone!" said Sam!! :me:
 
We watched DVDs back to back at the weekend! I'm so glad I was the one that was facing the TV! :me:
 
An old Les Dawson ............

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she did spend a lot of time looking for loopholes in my Birth certificate!! :20:
 
jokes bad or otherwise

Two Irish guys are working for the council start work in the centre of town Mick digs a hole moves forward 3 yards and starts to dig another while Paddy follows behind and fills in the first hole . This goes on all day on both sides of the street . A guy who owns a cafe comes out as asks them " why do you dig a hole and then the other guy immediately fill it in , its pointless" . " Ah to be sure it is but Sean phoned in sick today and he normally plants the trees" :30:
 
jokes bad or otherwise

A Priest is driving through New York when he gets stopped for speeding . As the Policeman is questioning him he spots an empty wine bottle on the car floor . " Sir have you been drinking ?" . "Only water " replies the Priest . " But sir I can smell alcohol on your breath" says the Policemen at which point the Priest gazes into the sky shaking his fist and shouts " Jesus, you've done it again , some days you really hack me off" :22:
 
A man sat in the waiting room at the doctors rubbing his head. He said "my wooden leg aint half giving me pain!"
The man next to him said " I f its your leg and a wooden one at that; why are you rubbing your head??"
The first man replied" My wife keeps hitting me with the wooden leg!!" :39: :46:
 
A nuisance neighbour went next door and asked if he could borrow his hedge cutter. " I'm sorry but I intend to be using it all afternoon " came the reply.
" In that case you wont have time to use your golf clubs , can I borrow them for the afternoon??":16::me:
 
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