jokes bad or otherwise.

My son asked me if I played football
"The lads in my football team call me the man with the golden boot" I said.
"Wow, were you really good then?" he asked.
"Nah" I said, "it's because when I ran it looked like one of my feet weighed a lot more than the other."
 
Wee bits from today's Herald "Diary":

Booze culture

THE other Glaswegian in the news yesterday was actor Peter Capaldi, named as the next Dr Who. An English reader phones to tell us: "The first episode will be filmed in his native Glasgow. He'll be seen fighting hordes of Cidermen."

Identity crisis

AND another reader muses: "So I guess if he triumphs he'll be known as a British Dr Who, but if the Daleks beat him, he'll be a Scottish Dr Who."

It's all Greek?

SCOTTISH journalist Marjory McGinn has written a book about living in a remote part of Greece's southern Peloponnese entitled, don't groan now, Things Can Only Get Feta. She realised how remote it was when she tried to explain where Scotland was to a villager by saying it was on top of England.

"Where's England?" the chap replied.

Year-long complaint

DAFT gag in a Glasgow pub last night? "I got sacked from my job printing calendars," said the chap at the bar.

"And that was after all the extra days I put in."

Safe option

"I'M happy to be a passenger when the wife drives the car," declared the old buffer at an Ayrshire golf club at the weekend. "I even wave to her from the bus stop."
 
Overheard recently,
"The wife asked what I was doing on the computer and I said I was looking for cheap flights. She got all excited, which is strange, as she's never shown any interest in darts before."
 
saw my kleptomaniac mate the other day while out shopping. I told him that I was desperately after a saucepan.
He said ' Steal one'
I said 'No......... Aluminum.'

"I was playing poker with a tribe of African natives last night."
"Zulus?"
"No, I won!"
 
Argos are coming to drop a wardrobe off that I bought yesterday.
I'll have to make sure that I'm home between 7.30am tomorrow and the 28th of October.
 
Young people have theirs,

now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help.



GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
 
Two chaps on Byres Road in Glasgow witnessed an RAC van stuck in a long queue of traffic.
"The driver looks a wee bit depressed", opinioned one lad.
"Aye, you can see he's heading for a breakdown." was the sharp reply
 
I'm beginning to question the midwife's qualifications.
She's just slapped a newly born's bum and said, "That'll teach you not to go up there again".
 
In this season of exams, here is a taste of the genius of a good Glasgow education.
Q. Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A. At the bottom of the page.
 
SCOTS are still jetting off on their holidays.

Scott Barclay was at a Glasgow Airport food outlet at six in the morning when the Glaswegian holidaymaker in front asked: "Gies a roll 'n' bacon, egg and a potato scone."
"Sorry we have run out of rolls - we only have croissants left."
"Just stick it on a croissant then".
"Would you like a drink with that?"
"Aye, gies a mojito," says the bold lad.
"How very international," thinks Scott.

Foul...

POLITICS, and an English reader phones to tell us: "Although the UKIP party now accepts that bongo bongo land doesn't actually exist, I bet you it's still above Scotland in the FIFA world rankings."

Being dated

OUR story about dating reminds Michael McGinley of being technologically challenged in a west end of Glasgow coffee shop when he was told he could pay using his smartphone. Michael replied he didn't know how to. He says: "The young man serving replied that he too has been described as being old-fashioned recently. He had just gone on a date with someone whom he had not met online - a phenomenon that his friends found extremely unusual. The encounter was beautifully described by them as a 'flesh meet'."

For a tenner?

"MY wife says I'm unsophisticated and uncultured," said the chap in the Glasgow pub. "So to prove her wrong, guess where I'm taking her? I'll give you a hint - it starts with 'B' and rhymes with 'wallet'."
 
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