A big, burly man visited the Vicar'shome and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to £400 ."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the Reverend's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his tearful eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
A husband and wife had each died and gone to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn't get over how beautiful everything was - the presence of God, all the angels and choirs, and all the colours.
Finally, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?"
The wife said, "Yes."
The husband replied, "Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn't have done that?"
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, my dear?" asked Father O'Grady.
"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.
When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"