jokes bad or otherwise.

An old lady is short of company so decides to buy a pet from the shop .Sadly there are lots of dogs and cats which she cannot manage . As she leaves she here's a voice " My word don't you look a picture and that dress suits you to a tea" . As she looks around she spots a large Green Parrot and asks "Was that you?"

"Indeed it was Madam you look delightful ! " Well buoyed by the comments she buys the bird and takes it home. " You know I am so proud of you I am going to take you to a restaurant to meet my friends . " The Parrot replies " Well that will be wonderful and I know a lovely Bistro you have just got to try"

Her friends duly meet her at the restaurant and as they sit down the Parrot starts swearing like a trouper , bites the lady and the waiter. Embarrassed the Lady grabs the Parrot and heads home . On arriving she goes down t the basement and stuffs the Parrot in the Freezer uttering "I'll teach you you can cool off in here until you learn not to swear and bite people."

After five minutes the lady takes the bird out shivering from the freezer. "Have you learnt your lesson ?" "Indeed I have Ma'am this will never happen again"

Well two weeks pass and the local Vicar comes around , when he arrives the Parrot starts swearing again and bites the Vicar. Angry and embarrassed the Lady grabs the parrot and stuffs it in the freezer again leaving it there for 15 minutes whilst she apologises to the Vicar and bids him goodbye.

After 15 minutes she goes down and takes the Parrot out which by this time is frozen to the bone . "Have you finally learnt your lesson? " "I most definitely have it will never happen again I don't know what that Turkey had done he's frozen to the bone I don't know what he did but I am not taking any more chances!"
 
Dentist: "Just try to relax. I'll have your aching tooth out in five minutes."

Patient: "How much will this cost me?"

Dentist: "It'll be $1000."

Patient: "That much for just five minutes' work?"

Dentist: "Well, if you prefer, I could pull it out very slowly."
 
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
 
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
 
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

~ To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

~ Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

~ If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
 
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company calling a woman:

"Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," I replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any debts," I said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"
 
The following was overheard at a recent "high society" party.

"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.

She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"

"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."
 
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