jokes bad or otherwise.

What did the cowboy say when he walked into a German car showroom ..........................AUDI ! ;):fp:
 
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
 
A very rich man is hosting a grand party at his house where he has recently installed a large pool where he keeps alligators and piranha fish . With all the guests there he announces that if anyone is stupid sorry brave enough to swim across the pool he will grant them 3 wishes. Clearly there are no takers when suddenly there is a huge splash and a man swims across to the other side of the pool and breathlessly clambers out. The host offer him a towel and lauds him on his bravery.

After recovering the host asks what three wishes he would like. "Firstly you see that 12 bore shotgun on your wall please pass it to me."

Secondly" please give me the cartridges for the gun."

Thirdly " Point out the plonker who pushed me !!"
 
A man has settled on his seat on an aircraft when a man and a black Labrador sit next to him with the dog sitting between them. Puzzled the man asks "I thought dogs weren't allowed on planes ?" to which the owner states "I'm an air agent and this is a sniffer dog and he is simply the best" " When we take off I am going to let him off the lead and you will see"

The agent duly releases the dog , shouts "Search" and it goes up the plane an sits next to a lady a few rows up before returning to the agent and placing its right paw on his knee. " Good boy , that woman is carrying marijuana I will note her seat number and get the pilot to radio ahead and ensure she is arrested"

"Wow that's impressive" the man retorts . The agent releases the dog again shouting "Search" . The dog goes further up the plane and sits next to a man returning in a few minutes and puts his left paw on the agent's knee. " That man is carrying Cocaine so again I will get the police to arrest him when we land. "

The agent lets the dog off the lead one final time and it returns in a few minutes jumps on the middle seat and poos all over it . " My god why did he do that??? . "He's found explosives!!!!!"
 
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.

If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with your old friends you won't have time to worry.:)
 
One morning a local road department crew reaches their job-site and realize they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."
 
A bit risque happy to delete!

A chicken and a horse are running around the field when the horse starts to sink in a mud hole . " Help me please chicken get the farmer." The chicken runs back to the farmyard looking for the Farmer but he is nowhere to be seen so he jumps in the farmer's Mercedes and drives it to the field where he ties a rope around the bumper and throws the other end to the horse telling him to hold onto it . The chicken starts the car again and pulls the horse free.

A few days later they are running around again and this time the chicken falls in . The chicken shouts " Help me please horse get the farmer"

The Horse looks and says "No need I can stand astride the hole you grab my "thingy" and I can pull you out." The horse duly stands across the hole , the chicken grabs his "thingy" and the horse pulls him clear and the moral of the story.........................

If you are hung like a Horse you don't need a Mercedes to pull chicks! :08::eek:
 
A man walks into a bar an order two shots of whisky. The Barman asks if he wants them together or separate . He replies together and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a three inch tall man and they both down the shots. " Wow," the Barman replies " Can he do anything else?" "Of course" and he throws a penny on the bar counter " Archie please go and pick my penny up for me , thanks " At that the little guy goes along the counter , picks up the penny and takes it back to the other guy.

"Well that's just fantastic" the Barman replies " And can he talk?" "Of course he can" the man replies " Archie tell the Barman about your trip to Africa and took the mickey out of the Witch Doctor"
 
A mother and young daughter are in Church waiting for the service to start when the little girl says she feels sick . The Mum says "well you have time before the service starts go to the back and out the door and be sick in the grounds".

The girl leaves but is back in 30 seconds. " Have you been sick and how are you back so quickly?" " I have been sick mummy but I didn't need to go out there was a box at the back of the Church marked '...For the Sick' so I used that "
 
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