Found on the internet

[maltrab]

Febreze has launched a new air freshener aimed at campers who are fed up with the stench of the countryside. Available in a range of excitingly familiar odours, ‘Febreze Urbane’ masks even the freshest of pine scent.

City-dwellers who have ventured outdoors by mistake can ‘bring the indoors outside’, using the magic of industrial chemicals. ‘Damp Terraced House’ is the best-seller in the new range, but there’s also ‘bus soot’, ‘electrical burning’ and the lingering ‘elderly pets’ to choose from.

But it’s not just campers who have welcomed the new range, as people who occasionally open their windows have confirmed. ‘Unfortunately, we live right next door to a forest’, admitted one consumer. ‘But now I can mask my shame with the classic aroma of ‘Dutch Oven’.’

 

[maltrab]

Popular pizza chain Domino’s has today been unveiled as the winner of a tender to provide the police, fire and ambulance emergency services within the UK.

‘During a trial Domino’s Pizza out-performed the current service provider by 90%,’ said a Government spokesperson. ’Their record of having a pizza delivery boy on site within 30 minutes of the call being made, or your money back, seems to transfer well to the provision of emergency services.’

‘I ordered a pizza from Domino’s a couple of weeks ago and it arrived within 20 minutes,’ said one satisfied customer. ’But when I was burgled the next night the police didn’t come out until the following Tuesday, so this move makes perfect sense to me. Mind you, I did think it was strange that the next time I ordered a pizza the delivery boy let himself in using my keys.’

Domino’s Pizza has also pledged that if their fire crews arrive too late and find a house burned to the ground, the loss will be eased somewhat with a free medium pepperoni pizza.

 

[maltrab]

A scientific paper published following 18 months of intensive research claims that drivers who keep their eyes tightly shut could be putting lives at risk, detailing how they are rendered incapable of avoiding the simplest of obstacles with their vision obstructed by their eyelids.

‘This was a surprising result,’ explained Richard Phillips, head of the research team. ‘Closing the eyes technically reduces the number of distractions for the driver, so performance should improve.’

To test this theory drivers were divided into two groups. The first group were instructed to drive with their eyes shut and the second asked to update their Facebook status while driving. Contrary to expectations, the ‘Facebook’ group were able to avoid some of the obstacles some of the time, while the ‘closed eyes’ drivers were a complete disaster.

The paper will be published in the ‘Expensive research into the bleedin’ obvious’ section of Nature.