jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
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captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner and to meet her parents . It is such a momentous occasion she tells him that after dinner she wants to make love to him under the stars . Being responsible the boy goes to the Chemist to buy condoms . The Chemist sensing the boy is nervous and it is clearly his first time explains everything about using condoms and making love . The day of the meal comes and the boy sits at the table next to the girl and her parents . Immediately head bowed he offers to say grace , well one minute goes by then five minutes and soon twenty minutes have gone by and he has said nothing . The girl , perplexed by this, leans over and whispers in the boy's ear " I had no idea you were so religious" to which the boy replies " I had no idea you were a Chemist's daughter"
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette!
Annette!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
After the Apprentice finished Lord Sugar received a Christmas card with a coded message inside from one of the contestants he acrimoniously sacked early in the series.
370H-SSV-0773H
He hadn't a clue what it meant so he showed Karen Brady who was clueless . He then showed it to Claude Littner who gazed at it for ages but could not solve . Anyway after filming he headed out of the BBC TV Centre and as he passed the reception desk the card fell to the floor. Quick as a flash the lady who was cleaning the foyer picked it up and started laughing . Lord Sugar went to retrieve the card and asked why she was laughing . " Well you cannot be very happy at receiving this greeting in a card from someone you fired " . " I'm sorry " said Lord Sugar " But I didn't get what it said and I showed it to my assistants and they didn't either , yet you did " . " Its real easy Lord Sugar just turn the card upside down !!
HELLO-ASS-HOLE
370H-SSV-0773H
He hadn't a clue what it meant so he showed Karen Brady who was clueless . He then showed it to Claude Littner who gazed at it for ages but could not solve . Anyway after filming he headed out of the BBC TV Centre and as he passed the reception desk the card fell to the floor. Quick as a flash the lady who was cleaning the foyer picked it up and started laughing . Lord Sugar went to retrieve the card and asked why she was laughing . " Well you cannot be very happy at receiving this greeting in a card from someone you fired " . " I'm sorry " said Lord Sugar " But I didn't get what it said and I showed it to my assistants and they didn't either , yet you did " . " Its real easy Lord Sugar just turn the card upside down !!
HELLO-ASS-HOLE
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
“The trouble with internet quotes is that it’s extremely hard to ascertain their true origin.”
~ Queen Elizabeth
~ Queen Elizabeth
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting. They see their prey off in the distance, and the mathematician takes a shot but misses by 2 feet to the left. The engineer grabs the gun and shoots but misses by 2 feet to the right. The statistician shouts "Yay!! We got it!!"
Brian Johns
Dedicated Member
An old one
Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicist view
Consider the following:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicist view
Consider the following:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait.
To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait.
To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
Why did Santa’s little helper need to talk with a therapist?
He had low Elf Esteem.
He had low Elf Esteem.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Four Successful , rich sons are deciding what to buy their elderly people for Xmas. The eldest decides to buy them a new home with six bathrooms and ten bedrooms. The second has a state of the art cinema installed in that house, the third oldest decides to buy them the top of the range Audi so they can drive anywhere they want in comfort. The youngest knowing his dad reads the bible every night contacts a priest who has a parrot that will recount any passage of the bible when asked by book name.
After Christmas the Father contacted the four sons . To the eldest he said than you so much but we only use one bedroom and bathroom , people dont stay over so we dont need the other rooms . To the second eldest he a gain thanked him but said the Theatre is great but our Eyesight and Hearing has deteriorated and all our friends are dead or dying so how can we enjoy TV and Films . To the third he thanked him but said we don't go anywhere we get our groceries delivered and its hard to drive when your eyesight is failing . To the fourth and youngest he said " Of all my sons you as the youngest gave us the most useful present , the Turkey was delicious if not a little small!"
After Christmas the Father contacted the four sons . To the eldest he said than you so much but we only use one bedroom and bathroom , people dont stay over so we dont need the other rooms . To the second eldest he a gain thanked him but said the Theatre is great but our Eyesight and Hearing has deteriorated and all our friends are dead or dying so how can we enjoy TV and Films . To the third he thanked him but said we don't go anywhere we get our groceries delivered and its hard to drive when your eyesight is failing . To the fourth and youngest he said " Of all my sons you as the youngest gave us the most useful present , the Turkey was delicious if not a little small!"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man walked into the ladies department of Marks and Spencers, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife as a Christmas present"
What type of bra?" asked the Sales Assistant.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the Sales Assistant.
Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The Sales Assistant replied "The Catholic , the, Salvation Army and the Evangelist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Evangelist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”
What type of bra?" asked the Sales Assistant.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the Sales Assistant.
Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The Sales Assistant replied "The Catholic , the, Salvation Army and the Evangelist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Evangelist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
What did the pirate say upon becoming an octogenarian?
Aye, Matey.
Aye, Matey.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
It is a particularly busy day in heaven and there is a queue at the Pearly Gates with three men in it . Peter says " tell me how you died and if you have a tragic ending you will be admitted . The first man pipes up " Well I suspected my wife was cheating on me so I came home early . I went in the lift to our 25th floor apartment and started searching but found nothing . As a last chance to catch someone I decided to search on the Balcony sure enough I found a man hanging to the rail.
In a rage I started to kick and punch him but he held on so I got a hammer and hit his hand , he let go but fell into some bushes and was still alive although hurt badly. I was so angry I ran inside picked up the Fridge and dropped it on him killing him immediately.
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second guy then speaks " Well I was doing my exercises on my 26th Floor Apartment Balcony when I slipped and fell . I though I was a goner but luckily I grabbed the balcony railing of the flat below . As I was trying to climb up this guy come onto the balcony and instead of rescuing me started to kick and punch me . He hit my hand with a hammer and I fell 25 floors but survived because I landed in a big bush although I was very badly injured all of a sudden I looked up and saw a fridge hurtling towards me , it hit me and I died."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The Thirds man then speaks " Well , I'm hiding in this Fridge..................."
In a rage I started to kick and punch him but he held on so I got a hammer and hit his hand , he let go but fell into some bushes and was still alive although hurt badly. I was so angry I ran inside picked up the Fridge and dropped it on him killing him immediately.
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second guy then speaks " Well I was doing my exercises on my 26th Floor Apartment Balcony when I slipped and fell . I though I was a goner but luckily I grabbed the balcony railing of the flat below . As I was trying to climb up this guy come onto the balcony and instead of rescuing me started to kick and punch me . He hit my hand with a hammer and I fell 25 floors but survived because I landed in a big bush although I was very badly injured all of a sudden I looked up and saw a fridge hurtling towards me , it hit me and I died."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The Thirds man then speaks " Well , I'm hiding in this Fridge..................."