jokes bad or otherwise.

Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    A friend of mine asked me to go to the front of his car to see if his turn signal was working. I did and yelled out, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
    :02::02::02::02::02::02:
     
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  2. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    A husband has to go away on a business trip. Really bad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set of twins (boy & girl).
    Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his plane takes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital. She has a rough labor and it takes a long time to recover her communication skills.

    But the hospital needs names for the babies before they can release them from the hospital. So it's up to the new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster) to name them.

    When the husband finally comes home, he is a bit worried about what his brother named his children. So he carefully asks his wife what are their names.

    She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise."

    "Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles.

    "I know, but he named your son Denephew!"
     
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  3. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What bow can't you untie?? ..........................A rainbow! :eyesroll::08:
     
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  4. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What do you call a fly with no wings ??........................................A walk! ;):08:
     
  5. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Which animal is best for hitting a ball ??..........................................A Bat!:08::rolling:
     
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  6. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What's the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu ??..........................One needs tweetment , the other needs oinkment .:08:
     
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  7. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What wobbles as it flies ?...............A jellicopter :rolling:
     
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  8. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    I've written a book on reverse psychology . .............DONT READ IT!!:08:
     
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  9. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What do you call a Spaniard recently discharged from hospital ??.........................Manuel !:08:
     
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  10. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why did the strawberry cry ??.......................His mother was in a jam!:eek2:
     
  11. Andrew D

    Andrew D Well-Known Member

    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef....
     
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  12. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    I once ate a watch, .....................It was time consuming!:08:
     
  13. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why was the chicken arrested ?.....................................For using fowl language!!:rolling:;)
     
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  14. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why does space rock taste nicer than earth rock??............................Cause its a little meteor (meatier):08:
     
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  15. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    How do fish always know how much they weigh ??.........................They take their scales everywhere with them,:rolling:
     
  16. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why did the sun have to leave university ?...............It was too bright! :eyesroll:
     
  17. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    One of old Georges...............
    Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance !:39:
     
  18. Brian Johns

    Brian Johns Well-Known Member

    Ok here are another few oldies


    QUOTES FROM MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS

    His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

    This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

    This Officer can be likened to a small puppy... he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

    The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

    When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

    This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

    This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

    Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

    She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

    He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

    This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

    Works well when cornered like a rat in a trap.

    Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

    If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

    If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

    A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

    When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.

    He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

    Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

    He's so dense light bends around him.

    If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.

    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
     
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  19. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    My books all piled on top of me, I've only got my shelf to blame.
     
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  20. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    THINGS THE LECTURER SAYS AND WHAT HE REALLY MEANS

    Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.
    (I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)

    The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
    (I don't understand the details either.)

    The test scores were generally good.
    (Some of you managed a C)

    Some of you could have done better.
    (Everyone failed.)

    It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
    (I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)
     
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