Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
Thank the Lord for Facebook. Otherwise I'd have to call 674 people every day to tell them I just went to the gym.
If a Dodge "Stealth" hits a Mitsubishi "Mirage," did an accident really
Coffee: Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you are always cheerful,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you are understanding when your loved ones are too busy for you,
If you never treat a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you face the world without lies and deceit,
then you are probably the family dog!
Store owner: "Thank you for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
Customer: "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised. You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
Store owner: "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
Accordion? That's just a bagpipe with pleats
Probably in the 'otherwise' category
but here goes
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "No."
I told him, "She is Bill Gate's daughter."
He said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said, "No".
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "Okay".
I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, "No".
I told him, "My son is Bill Gate's son-in-law."
He said, "Okay."
And this is how politics works!
If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done.
I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!
I used to be a mime. It's only now I can talk about it
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
Trying to be diplomatic, Mom said, "Dear, he just doesn't seem like the all-American boy you've dated before. He's not really that nice."
I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes. Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!
Which is fastest, hot or cold ??
Hot because you can catch a cold!
Why did the girl keep a slice of bread in her library books ???
She liked reading crummy novels!
A guy meets his girlfriend in the pub and she seems really down in the dumps . "What's the trouble Petal ?" . " It's this Jigsaw puzzle I bought I have been trying to do it for ages but I am not getting anywhere. I emptied all the pieces on the kitchen table but I cannot find the corners or any straight edges ." What is the Puzzle about treacle " he asks . "Well its a picture of a large cockerel crowing at the Sun " .
The boyfriend tells her to drink up and he will go home with her to give her a hand to complete it . They get back and go into the Kitchen . " You see what I mean " she sighs . " Look sweetheart " he retorts " Just pick up the Cornflakes and put them back in the box"
Do not trust atoms. They make up everything.
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ?? ................................A woolly jumper !
Separate names with a comma.