jokes bad or otherwise.

Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.

Draft saved Draft deleted
  1. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  2. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Thank the Lord for Facebook. Otherwise I'd have to call 674 people every day to tell them I just went to the gym.
  3. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    If a Dodge "Stealth" hits a Mitsubishi "Mirage," did an accident really

    happen? :29::29:
  4. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Coffee: Starter fluid for the morning impaired. :02::02:
  5. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
  6. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    If you can start the day without caffeine,

    If you are always cheerful,

    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

    If you are understanding when your loved ones are too busy for you,

    If you never treat a rich friend better than a poor friend,

    If you face the world without lies and deceit,

    then you are probably the family dog!
    dick and Marianna like this.
  7. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Store owner: "Thank you for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

    Customer: "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised. You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

    Store owner: "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

    dick likes this.
  8. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Accordion? That's just a bagpipe with pleats :03::03::03:
  9. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Probably in the 'otherwise' category

    but here goes


    I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."

    He said, "No."

    I told him, "She is Bill Gate's daughter."

    He said, "Yes."

    I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

    Bill Gates said, "No".

    I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of World Bank."

    Bill Gates said, "Okay".

    I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

    He said, "No".

    I told him, "My son is Bill Gate's son-in-law."

    He said, "Okay."
    And this is how politics works!
  10. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done.
  11. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?! :18::18:
  12. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    I used to be a mime. It's only now I can talk about it
  13. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes
  14. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.

    Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

    Trying to be diplomatic, Mom said, "Dear, he just doesn't seem like the all-American boy you've dated before. He's not really that nice."
    dick likes this.
  15. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes. Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!
  16. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Which is fastest, hot or cold ??
    Hot because you can catch a cold!:08:
    barmpot likes this.
  17. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why did the girl keep a slice of bread in her library books ???
    She liked reading crummy novels!:confused2:
  18. captain clutterbuck

    captain clutterbuck Well-Known Member

    A guy meets his girlfriend in the pub and she seems really down in the dumps . "What's the trouble Petal ?" . " It's this Jigsaw puzzle I bought I have been trying to do it for ages but I am not getting anywhere. I emptied all the pieces on the kitchen table but I cannot find the corners or any straight edges ." What is the Puzzle about treacle " he asks . "Well its a picture of a large cockerel crowing at the Sun " .

    The boyfriend tells her to drink up and he will go home with her to give her a hand to complete it . They get back and go into the Kitchen . " You see what I mean " she sighs . " Look sweetheart " he retorts " Just pick up the Cornflakes and put them back in the box" :08:
    barmpot, Marianna, dick and 1 other person like this.
  19. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Do not trust atoms. They make up everything.
    dick and happyjack like this.
  20. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ?? ................................A woolly jumper ! :08:
    barmpot and happyjack like this.

Share This Page